If you ever had the pleasure of knowing my mom, you would probably describe her as one of the kindest and most caring people you have ever met. Her sweetness was a predominant character quality, even as Alzheimer’s claimed more of her memories and abilities. I’ve written about her loving care for doll babies, and about how the nurse came out in her so often in her last year of life in assisted living memory care. Here are a few photos of her sweet self.
Sometimes, however, momma wasn’t so sweet. She’d take a swing at my head when I was kneeling in front of her trying to help her tie her shoes. She once threw a frozen dinner at my brother when he was sick in bed and started screaming at him. We theorize that she was just so very frustrated that she couldn’t remember how to work a microwave anymore–she wanted to help him, but didn’t know how. In assisted living memory care, a mean streak would occasionally surface when someone was assisting her with a shower. Mom wasn’t one to use profanity, but would very occasionally let angry words fly when someone was just trying to help her.
It wasn’t mom. It was what Alzheimer’s was doing as it ravaged her brain.
It can be very stressful for the caregiver when someone they love suddenly becomes combative and aggressive. Sometimes there are physical reasons why a loved one is lashing out – like pain, or a urinary tract infection, or frustrations over not being able to physically do something (like tie her own shoes, or stand without assistance).
Timing
For my momma, it was sometimes the timing of what she was being requested to do. We learned very early on that it was futile to awaken her for a meal or a shower—that was just begging for angry outbursts and uncontrollable tears. Sometimes she’d refuse food at mealtimes. We learned it was best to just let her be—she would often forget she was mad and be sweet as pie when you reintroduced the same plate of food a few minutes later.
Speaking of pie, we also learned that if we would “lead with sweet” by serving mom’s dessert at the beginning of her meal, she’d eat her dessert and then just keep going. It also helped to let mom bring Dolly with her to meals. Dolly didn’t eat much, but sometimes needed her face washed after meals.
Fear
Sadly, my mom oftentimes became very agitated and fearful at the prospect of taking a shower. This is VERY common. I first noticed it in the moderate stage of dementia. If a shower was suggested, she’d have every reason in the world not to do it now. She generally used stall tactics, like, “Later.” Or, “I already showered before you got here.” As the disease progressed, there would be no question about it—mom would NEED a shower. One of the wisest things I ever did as a caregiver was to hire help for bathing. I was extremely thankful for the aides who came to assist with this need. Their training prepared them for the ups and downs of performing the necessary hygiene tasks, and each aide had tricks up her sleeve as to how to help alleviate mom’s fear and anxiety.
There were times when even the aides were unsuccessful. Sometimes the best we could do was give mom a bed-bath or a quick wipe-down. I found it really convenient and helpful to use these disposable washcloths–they could be warmed in the microwave, which mom found very soothing.
My heart goes out to you caregivers who are dealing with combative and aggressive behavior with your loved one. Every situation is different, but I hope my experience with mom will help someone else get through this. If you’d like more information, you might want to check out this informative and helpful article, “Dealing with Aggressive Behavior”.
Barefoot Lily Lady 
It is very good of you to share your experiences and tips. There’s often guilt in the carer’s mind, isn’t there,”I’m not patient enough, I need to do more Maybe it’s something I did…. ”
Your post helps to alleviate that, too. Thank you for sharing.
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You’re so welcome. Thank YOU for the encouragement to keep sharing. Perhaps one of my future posts will address caregiver guilt.
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