Legal Documents EVERYONE Should Have

Back in 2014, making sure that mom had all her legal paperwork ducks in a row was one of the smartest investments we made in both time and money in preparation for the Alzheimer’s road ahead of us. Thankfully, mom and dad had a good foundation, having already met with their lawyer to get their house in order for the future as soon as my dad began having health struggles.

They had written their wills and had also established two essential (in my opinion) legal instruments:

  1. Power of Attorney for finances and property
  2. Healthcare Power of Attorney (state specific form)

If you do not have both power of attorney documents and your loved one is determined to no longer have the capacity to make their own decisions, “Guardianship of the Estate and Person” may be necessary. You will likely have to petition the Court to appoint a guardian to make the decisions not covered by the missing POA document. Knowing in advance who will be entrusted with these responsibilities is important, so be sure you have both.

Make your Power of Attorney for Finances and Property effective now so your agent can quickly handle financial matters. Your agent will need to sign a “Duties and Liabilities” form, but the agent can start helping you immediately. My husband was my mom’s POA for finances and, because that “effective now” box was checked, he could help my mom with her banking, put all of her bills on autopay (so she didn’t have to deal with the mail), take care of matters related to her investment accounts, talk to her banker, pension fund administrator, and insurance companies. He did not have to wait until she was declared incompetent.

In addition to the above essential documents, we found the following to be beneficial as well:

  • Make sure “special powers” are included in your POA document. In my state of Wisconsin, the standard form available for download does not include provisions for gifting or grant powers to your agent to amend trusts or beneficiary forms. Your attorney can help you create a “Special Durable Power of Attorney” with trust provisions. These powers can be very helpful when a person is trying to protect assets from long term care costs.
  • Consider creating a “special needs trust” as a place to shelter or reserve enough cash to be able to take care of things not covered by Medicaid. In our state it is called WISPACT. My brother lives in a nursing home. I am his POA for healthcare and my husband serves as his POA for finances. My brother had been unemployed for several years and had no savings and no income (too young for Medicare), and would quickly spend down a modest retirement account he had from a previous employer. With the “special powers,” Wayne established a WISPACT fund for him to set aside some of my brother’s retirement money prior to Medicaid spend-down. This is NOT a way to cheat the nursing home. For us, having this fund means we don’t have to dip deep into our own pockets to pay for things my brother needs that are not covered by Medicaid. For example, if my brother needs new blue jeans or a dental appointment, we go ahead and take care of that need, then submit an either an invoice (e.g. for the car repairs) or receipts (e.g. for blue jeans) with a “request for distribution” to WISPACT. The expense will then be reviewed by the trust manager to ensure that the expense meets public benefit rules, and the bill is taken care of or we are reimbursed. The trust is irrevocable, meaning that no funds will be returned; when my brother dies, any funds left in that account go to the state.
  • Prepay funeral expenses – Mom and dad had already chosen and paid for their cemetery plot and, thankfully, she had shown me where the deed was located earlier in her disease process. My husband and I took care of pre-paying mom’s remaining funeral expenses based upon both her written notes as to her desires and a conversation we had with her in an earlier stage of Alzheimer’s. We have done similarly for my brother. He’s only 61, so could live much longer. Pre-paying his final expenses locks in today’s pricing.
  • A Caregiver Agreement – While mom was still able to make her own decisions, she expressed concern knowing that I may someday have to quit my job to take care of her. When we sat down with mom’s attorney, who specialized in elder law, he advised that we draw up a caregiver agreement – a legal contract which defined the dollar amount and the number of hours she would pay me in caring for her. Truth is, it became a 24/7 job, but our agreement made in advance made it possible for me to be paid as her family caregiver. Momma never got to the point of Medicaid spend down. If she had and her finances would have undergone the “5-year look back”, having this legal agreement would help protect me financially.
  • Advanced Directive – None of us knows when we will take our last breath. How thankful I am that mom and I had that difficult conversation about end of life. And I am doubly thankful that she took care of creating an Advanced Directive. This helped me as her POA for healthcare (and caregiving daughter) make vital end of life care decisions on my mom’s behalf when she was no longer able to make those decisions herself.

I gave this post the title “Documents EVERYONE Should Have,” but should probably mention a bit of a caveat. An individual with Alzheimer’s will hide things that are important…including paperwork. In fact, they may throw them away. When my mom was in the mid stages of the disease, I decided it was time that I took her important papers home with me for safe-keeping (including that cemetery deed I mentioned above). However, the paperwork was still extremely important to my mom. I decided to make good photo copies of her originals and create a special binder of all that information for her. She absolutely loved it. She would spend hours paging through it, double-checking things, and would write her questions and thoughts on the margins. Knowing I had the originals, it was all good.

Alzheimer’s: Signs Along the Way

My dear readers, I think it’s about time to meet up for another cup of coffee and a chat. I thought we could talk about a question I am often asked.

What signs did you see that made you suspect that your mom was experiencing memory loss?

One place to start when gathering information about Alzheimer’s is the aptly named Alzheimer’s Association. You can click here for their Top 10 list of signs, but here’s my list of signs we noticed along the way:

  • Repeating stories multiple times at the dinner table.
  • Piles of stuff all over the house – very unusual since she was normally very tidy. The guest room bed was covered with several inches of mail and miscellaneous paperwork.
  • Finding everyday objects in odd places: her cane propped up against the fridge on her countertop; her purse in the fridge; keys under her pillow; toothpaste and toothbrush on top of her dresser; odd stuff in her purse…like banana peels wrapped like mummies.

Mummy-wrapped banana peel from Momma’s purse

  • Asking the same question over and over again.
  • A very messy calendar with lots of ‘White Out’ covering myriad mistakes (and her complaining that someone else was writing on her calendar).
  • Mom had always been a list-maker and would usually keep her lists in an organized notebook. Now, her lists were everywhere! You could find her notes to self on the backs of envelopes and snatches of paper; in multiple notesbooks or legal pads; in the margins of her calendar, etc.
  • Missed hair appointments. Her weekly hair appointment had been her habit for decades – it wasn’t like her to miss one.
  • Everyone loses their keys from time to time – believe me, I know! But the key hunt became a daily routine (sometimes several times a day) because she would hide them where they’d be safe.

Our solution to the hidden keys problem was to attach a “tile” which would allow us to use an app on our phones to find them. (Click here for info)

  • Ordering multiple sets of checkbooks; we counted five separate sets of checks for one account.
  • Hiding her checkbooks.
  • Unbalanced checkbooks and a dining room table littered with bank statements with notes of confusion written on each one.
  • Over-purchasing other items too: toilet paper, ballpoint pens, Kleenex boxes, dishwasher soap, spiral bound notebooks, and legal pads.
  • Repeating stories. Oh, I think I already said that.
  • Phone calls from neighbors reporting unusual behavior, including a concern over momma being outside ALL day in pretty much the same spot. And another with concerns about her driving.
  • A diminished desire to attend church or get together with her friends.
  • Hidden stashes of food – especially cookies and chips. We would also find partially eaten food here and there around the house. It made me nervous to think she might pick up spoiled food and begin eating it again.
  • Multiple cans of Coke begun, but not finished.
Momma can’t remember she already has a can of soda open.
  • Unflushed toilets. Mom had always been VERY particular about remembering to flush toilets.
  • Inordinate amounts of junk mail.
  • She somehow got suckered into two vehicle protection plans and two sewer and waterline protection plans. Unfortunately, she never used them because she didn’t realize she had them.
  • She kept renewing her magazines, even if she had YEARS left on the subscriptions.  
  • Losing large sums of cash. She once took $1,500 out of the bank for a vacation I was taking her on, but lost the money somewhere between the bank and home. We never did find that money, and her credit cards were in the same wallet.
  • Hiding valuables and claiming they were stolen.
  • Growing frustration with using a telephone or a once-familiar remote control.
  • When dining in a restaurant, she was no longer able to calculate a tip. Mom had always been an adventurous eater who was always game for trying a new restaurant. Whenever I would visit, she began going to the same restaurant and ordering the same thing each time. Or, without opening the menu, she would say, “I’ll have what she is having.”
  • Eating an entire carton of ice-cream in one sitting (we started buying it in pints and half-pints).

Most of these changes were subtle, but they began to add up. Somewhere in the middle of all of these changes, I knew in my heart it was time for me to make sure I invited myself to my mother’s next doctor’s appointment. I knew that he and I were going to have to become allies in my mom’s future care, so I stopped by her physician’s office and dropped off a copy of my power of attorney for healthcare paperwork so that they could be scanned into her record. I also wrote a letter to her primary care physician outlining my concerns. Now we could begin the process of me being in the loop related to care discussions and decisions. It was a hard step, but a necessary one.

Well, it looks like my cup of coffee is on empty and I did all the talking. Sorry about that. If I may ask, if someone you love has Alzheimer’s, what were some of the signs YOU noticed in your loved one?

Five Helpful Purchases for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver

I’m on the other side of caregiving now and am looking back on that experience and wanting to share a few of the most helpful purchases my husband and I made to assist us as we provided care for my mother.

  1. Mattress Protection and plenty of bedding – nearly every person who struggles with memory loss will come to the point where incontinence is a fact of life. One of the best purchases I made was this mattress cover. We had a hospital bed, so purchased a Twin XL. This particular cover actually was waterproof and saved our mattress from certain ruin over and over again. It completely covered the mattress — trust me, this is important. I only needed to wipe it down with a disinfectant spray, but it also washed up nicely in the washing machine on warm. I would give it a tumble drying on air-dry with several dry towels romping around in the dryer with it. We had purchased a second-hand hospital bed and it fit that mattress very well. One of the nicest things about this cover was that it was quiet–no plastic crinkling sounds when moving the bed position, or just tossing and turning a bit at night.
The very best mattress cover we tried. It’s worth your money to purchase two so that you have an extra for those nights when the accident is …ummm…really messy.

2. An Alzheimer’s friendly clock. There are many clocks available for purchase, but I can only begin to tell you how helpful this clock was – especially in the early and middle stages of dementia. We bought two. One for mom’s bedroom and one to keep in the kitchen near her spot at the table. There comes a time in the Alzheimer’s journey where the ability to measure time is lost. You can read my post highlighting the benefits of this clock in my previous post, “When Time Stands Still,” which you can find here. To be honest, now that we’re retired and not marking time with daily routines, hubby and I reference this clock ourselves when we’re having a “what day is it anyway?” moment of our own.

3. These waterproof pads. Yes, disposable ones are nice, especially when your loved one is sick and having bouts of diarrhea. However, these are wonderful for everyday use. I recommend you purchase the largest size so as to cover as much of the bed as possible. More often than not, whatever accident happens will be caught on this pad, which will save you changing all of the sheets and blankets in the wee hours of the morning. These pads will also come in quite handy if your loved one likes to sit in a recliner or other upholstered chair.

Don’t worry…they come in colors other than pink

4. A wireless security camera. I know there are a lot of camera options out there these days. This D-Link camera did a great job of helping us see mom when she would get up at night – its night vision and ability to pan and tilt remotely was so helpful. This camera helped me in the earlier stages when she was living on her own and I just wanted to check-in and make sure she was okay. In later stages when she needed to live with us, it picked up on her motions at night alerting me to any needs she might have for my help or intervention.

D-Link Indoor Full HD WiFi Security Camera, 2 Way Audio, Pan Tilt Zoom 1080P, Motion Detection, Night Vision, MicroSD & Cloud Recording, Works with Alexa and Google Assistant (DCS-8525LH-US)

5. And just for fun, we bought this colored pencil set and plenty of adult coloring books. My mom just loved them when she was in the middle stages and earlier part of late-stage dementia. Not only did she enjoy coloring, but she also enjoyed sorting the pencils into color groupings. The zippered case was nice too…it was amazing what all she could squirrel away in there along with her pencils.

Interesting thing to note: as the disease progressed, Momma gravitated toward using only green and yellow in her coloring. This meant that over time we bought various colored pencils sets to replace the greens and yellows and now have LOTS of colored pencils in every color but green or yellow.

Playing in the Dirt Again

It feels good to be outdoors playing in the dirt again. In a day when COVID-19 has us squirreled away indefinitely in the relative safety of our own homes, spending time in my garden this week has been a welcome repose and heartsome encouragement.

Crocus are already showing off their comely petals in shades of purple, and a few white ones too. Blue muscari brings teeny-tiny punches of the deepest, bluest blue in patches scattered here and there. Brilliant, sunshine yellow clusters of daffodils dot my Schumann Drive landscape, with tulips promising to take their turn in the next few weeks.

As I pull back the winter blanket of leaves and mulch in one bed, then another, I’m seeing hints of more beauty yet to come. Peonies have poked their little red tips about an inch above the ground and I’m already dreaming of their beautiful petals in reds, pinks, white and a very special yellow one too. The foliage of my beautiful daylilies is already several inches high and seem to whisper their promise, “Summer is coming.”

Some flowers are spilling out of the bounds I had imposed on them, so I begin digging up a few of the plants nearest the garden’s edge. Some go in my compost bin, a few are transplanted elsewhere, but most are placed in a big plastic tub marked ‘Free Perennials’ and placed at the curb end of my driveway where they are offered to those passing by in the neighborhood. Each offering of future beauty is placed in its own plastic or paper bag, with any information I can offer about the plant scribbled on the bag. The bin is usually emptied in a day or two. I find it a lovely thought knowing that little bits of my garden’s loveliness will soon be springing up in other neighborhood gardens.

Today, as I plunged my garden trowel into the spring-softened dirt to scoop up one of the plants for my driveway offerings, I was delighted to find a sleepy toad still nestled in the dirt on my trowel. I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn’t injure him; it’s an honor to find toads, as I know they will do me countless favors in the months to come as they feast on slugs and snails and other garden pests. I pried my little plant offering from the dirt, then tucked the toad back in under a blanket of dirt where he could continue his slumber before awakening as my garden helper.

Today’s discoveries included unearthing a bunny nest and getting to see the cute little bunny butts within (I know I will regret thinking they are cute when I start seeing tops of my plants nibbled off as bunny fodder). Unlike toads, bunnies are not known for their propensity for helping in the garden.

While I will not refuse offers of human help in my garden, I rather like the solitude it offers. It’s a time to pray and to reflect on life’s blessings. Any frustrations I might be feeling seem to disappear into the soft earth as I work it. This solitary time in the garden is also a great time to sing (or hum) in praise to God. With the discovery of my little garden friends, it seemed fitting that my mind went to a song I learned when I was 11 or 12 years old, very early in my Christian walk. We don’t sing this hymn much anymore, but I recall learning the song in a club for kids called Awana. Not very long ago, I taught the song to the kids in our Sunday School so they would have it in their hearts too. It would be my pleasure to share the lyrics in the hopes that you would be blessed by them, and that your soul would find rest in the thought of all the wonders He has wrought.

This Is My Father’s World | Maltbie D. Babcock

This is my Father’s world,
And to my list’ning ears
All nature sings, and round me rings
The music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world:
I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas—
His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father’s world:
The birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white,
Declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world:
He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass,
He speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father’s world:
Oh, let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world,
The battle is not done:
Jesus who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one.

Taking Mini-Breaks for Creativity

I have all sorts of excuses for why I’ve been a little hit-or-miss in the blogging department. The best reason I can proffer is that I’ve been taking little breaks for a bit of creativity of a different sort.

First up, a very special sewing project. My son sent me a text one night asking if I would make a Christmas stocking for a teen who is staying with them. I had made a stocking for each of my grandchildren prior to their first Christmas and he was hoping Danni could have a similar stocking too. I was so very glad he asked because I had it in my heart to do something for her, but wasn’t sure what she would enjoy. This would be fun!

Continue reading “Taking Mini-Breaks for Creativity”

Pumping Gas and other forgotten things

Journal entry dated May 30, 2019

My car ‘dings’ a gentle reminder when it needs refueled within the next 50 miles. My hubby usually does this for me, but today I’ll need to care for this task myself because I’ve ignored the dings a little too long.

My Dad had always filled Mom’s gas tank too. When Dad knew he was losing his battle with cancer, that’s one of many things he taught my mom how to do. She tried a few times after he left for heaven, but then found a gas station that would send an attendant out to pump the gas for her for just a few cents more per gallon. My brother Brad thought it was silly to pay extra, so he tried to show her how to pump gas too. Mom just couldn’t remember the steps. Brad didn’t have his own wheels anymore, so didn’t mind filling the tank for her so he could buy himself a cup of decent coffee, a donut and a pack of smokes.

Today I confidently pulled up to the gas pump to fill my own tank and was happy to remember this recently learned factoid: there’s a little left or right arrow next to the gas pump symbol on your dashboard’s fuel gauge – it tells you which side of the car your gas cap is on. I would never have to turn around and pull up on the other side of the pump again. Cool, huh?

Have you ever noticed the arrow next to the fuel pump symbol?

My glib confidence came to a screeching halt when I reached for my credit card. Now, I only carry two credit cards, yet I was stumped. “Hmmmm, I could text Wayne and ask him.” But that would be embarrassing. He has reminded me time and time again which one to use to purchase gasoline. How could I admit that I didn’t remember again?

I used to keep a reminder sticky note on the card, but that had fallen off somewhere along the way. After a few minutes of inner debate, I chose one of the cards and got out of the car. It had been so long since I pumped gas I had to read the instructions on the pump. Twice. I felt the eyes of the kid at pump #3 watching me, trying to figure out if he should assist the confused lady at pump #4. I felt embarrassed.

Was this how my mom felt when she knew she was forgetting things?

I pumped the gas and printed the receipt for my hubby’s use in updating our budget spreadsheet, then headed to visit my mom. Hot tears overwhelmed me as I drove those 9.9 miles. I cried because I was pretty sure I had guessed wrong on the credit card. I cried because I now understood how helpless Momma felt. Mostly though, I cried because forgetting things scares me. I’m walking this road of memory loss with my mom and I know it’s hard (and sometimes harder) on the one who is the caregiver. It truly grieves my heart to think that my husband, daughter or son, or a grandchild may walk this road with me some day.

I sat in the parking lot of mom’s assisted living facility and blotted my tears before heading in to see her. My heart smiled as Mom exclaimed a little yelp of joy when she saw me, and even told the friends seated at her lunch table, “See that lady there? She’s my best friend.”

After that heartwarming visit, I made a quick stop at a nearby gas station to buy a cup of coffee, then headed another block or so to the nursing home where my brother resides to visit a bit and bring him a cup of his favorite coffee. He was sleeping, so I left his coffee on his nightstand and headed home to get busy on my laundry. When I arrived home I gave Wayne the day’s receipts and was bummed to learn that, yes, I used the wrong credit card for the gas.

Alzheimer’s is a frighteningly hard path in life, but my walk alongside Momma has also given me firsthand experience seeing how God walks with us each and every step of this road paved with memory loss. While an underlying concern of personally having to experience this disease is always present, I have an even greater confidence God will give those I love much wisdom in walking alongside me if Alzheimer’s is ever my future.

In the meantime, I’m going to smile, grab my Sharpie marker, and write “GAS” in great big letters on my credit card as a visual reminder for the next fill-up.

Assisted Living: What to Expect

When one wrestles with the thought of placing a loved one with memory loss into assisted living, many questions come to mind while making that life altering decision. Thankfully, there are many good books related to caring for a loved one with memory loss…and I’ve probably read most of them. If I could only recommend one, it would be Jolene Brackey’s, Creating Moments of Joy. [I wrote a little book review about this book here.]

I love this page. I live this page.

It’s important to have realistic expectations concerning assisted living memory care.

It has been almost four months since we moved Momma into assisted living at BeeHive Homes of Oregon, WI. She has made a great transition – not without its hiccups, but BeeHive is definitely a gift from God for my sweet mother. In these four months I have fallen in love with each resident who lives there with her and each one responsible for her care.

There are 16 rooms at BeeHive–at any given moment you might find my dear mother in any one of them–although she has her favorites. She loves to nap in Carol’s room, enjoys the sunny window in Caroline’s room, and can often be found rearranging pillows and tending to every one else’s babies in her neighbor Kathi’s room.

On any given day, my mom might be wearing her favorite outfit…or might be looking cute as can be in another lady’s pajamas. The other day I noticed mom wearing her nearby neighbor Roy’s watch; she also had his remote control and he had hers. I’m really not sure who has her colored pencil set, it’s been on the lam for a few weeks, but know they’ll turn up some day…she probably put them in someone else’s drawer for safekeeping on one of her daily adventures tooling around in her wheelchair.

Momma is a gatherer. If something is missing from someone else’s room, it can reasonably be assumed Charlotte probably has it for safe-keeping in her purse, or wrapped in a blanket and tucked away in a drawer in her room. Toilet paper is irresistible. An unattended doll or stuffed animal won’t be lonely for long if she can help it. She even managed to pick up an unattended cell phone that belonged to one of the hospice staff. I half-jokingly remind the staff that if something is missing, just check Charlotte’s purse and drawers…it’s probably there.

Only one of these dolls belongs to Momma – but they are all equally cared for and loved. [Photo credit: Kathleen Zelinski]

Slowly, but surely, I’m learning whose stuff belongs to whom (most of it is labeled). I spend the first few minutes of my daily visit returning things she has borrowed and retrieving things she has tucked into places where they don’t belong and returning it to the right place.

One thing is for sure…Momma belongs and is in the right place.

Five Minute Friday: Enlarging my World

My world has been relatively small the past few years, staying pretty close to home. Life has revolved very much around taking care of my mother as she battles Alzheimer’s. Over the years, I found myself growing weary and having to stop doing several things I love in order to be able to focus on her ever-increasing needs.

In late March, my sweet momma took up residence in a beautiful assisted living facility devoted to those with memory care needs. I still spend a few hours each day with her, but I can sleep throughout the WHOLE night in my own bed and am no longer fully responsible for her daily care. I’m beginning to feel more rested and able to resume some (but not all) of my former activities and ministries. I can take a little road-trip with my hubby, play in the dirt in my garden, or prepare a Sunday School lesson for the kids at church without interruption. It’s truly a blessing from God’s gracious hand.

With this new freedom, my world will enlarge even more in September when I accompany three of the men from our church (including my hubby) on a teaching trip to India. My responsibility during this trip will be to teach English as a Second Language (ESL) to the students who will be gathering for the purpose of enjoying some seminary-level training. I have never taught ESL, so this will be a huge stretch for me – something which will also enlarge my world as I help this group of adults whose first language is Hindi in their continued quest to become more fluent in their conversational English.

This is my hubby Wayne’s second trip to India (he’s the handsome, white-bearded guy on the lower left of the group photo above), as he traveled with our pastor and another friend on a teaching trip last year. This fall’s trip is a giant leap for me, as I’ve never been out of the country. [Well, unless you count the time when my hubby and I were honeymooning 43 years ago in a rented recreational vehicle and we drove over the Canadian border in the days before a passport was required.] This trip to India will be my first trip overseas, passport, visa, shots, long international flight, and all the cultural adventure that will surely come with that experience.

In the meanwhile, I will need much prayer support as I prepare for my role as a teacher on the other side of the world.

This post is written for the Five Minute Friday Writing Community. Please come join us! https://fiveminutefriday.com/

“I Wish I Could Help”

One recent thread on a Facebook group for dementia caregivers discussed the topic of how to respond to people who say “I wish I could help.” Most have good intentions, but no concrete offers of help. Others are just making polite conversation and really have no intention of helping. One tongue in cheek caregiver response was, “I’m going to start a list to hand them.”

We all laughed.

One longtime caregiver’s contribution to the post was, “I think we should all make our own list to have ready whenever we hear that offer.” Before long, we had created a rather long list. Some of our responses were a bit of a tease, like the caregiver who said, “If you want to bring me a gift, bring Kleenex! My loved one goes through two boxes a day!” We all laughed because an obsession with Kleenex and toilet paper seems to be prevalent in the world of memory loss.

Let me share a few more of the ideas culled from our group effort:

  • Instead of “let me know if you need anything,” please just show up on my front porch with a good cup of coffee.
  • Another caregiver added her twist on the impromptu coffee date idea: “Yes, show up on my front porch with a cup of your favorite coffee. Then sit down with my loved one and tell me to get lost for awhile while you drink your cup of coffee.”
  • Talk to me. Listen to me. I don’t really have someone I can carry on a conversation with anymore.
  • If you see a need that you can meet, just do it. It will make my day.
  • One woman’s husband asks her each morning, “What can I do for you TODAY that will make your life easier?”
  • Send me a card once in awhile (I have a special friend who does this every single week).
  • Share with me one of your special memories of my loved one. In doing so, you will help me focus on the good and remind me that their life mattered.
  • Tell me that what I’m doing matters.

One item on the list was my favorite: Ask God to show you how you can help. I promise, He will.

“Pssst! Can you help me get out of this place?”

I have SO MUCH to tell you and can’t believe how much time has elapsed since I updated everyone concerning my journey in caring for my mom. I started writing this post the last week of March. Let me do a little back-tracking and a bit of catch-up writing here.

I already told you the story of her dolly here, but SO much has transpired in the past three weeks surrounding that story.


March 18, 2019

Lord willing, one week from today my dear, sweet Momma will be moving out of our home and into her new place at BeeHive Home in Oregon, WI.

If I think about it too long, it brings tears to my eyes. While I had hoped to care for mom here in my home until God chose to call her to her eternal home in heaven, I know in my heart that it is time to place her in a memory care environment where her needs will be better met.  

The first year we cared for Momma in our home, she would often tell people that our home was HER home and that we were living here with her. She’d point out which side of the house was hers and which side was ours. She’d express concern to anyone who’d listen, saying, “They sure do have a lot of stuff.” To her way of thinking, the gardens that I’ve toiled in for the past 20 years were planted by her many years ago. It blessed us to know that she felt “at home” here and was taking ownership, so we just joined her in her version of the story.

As we approach the two year anniversary of her living in our home, Momma looks lost and confused whenever she walks into the bedroom that has been hers all this time. Confusion clouds her fading brown eyes as she sits in her chair at the kitchen table surveying the gardens and wonders where she is and “how the heck” she got here. Her most often asked question is, “When do I get to go home?” Many times we find her sitting near her bedroom window, expectantly watching for her parents to come and pick her up in their car.

Nights are long and many of them are being spent without sleep – for her, or for me.  During those late nights of making and remaking her bed because she has repeatedly removed and folded up her bedding (in preparation for the move she thinks she is making), I find it disturbing to find my compassion is beginning to be replaced by exasperation. I can hear it in my voice and actually feel my blood pressure rising. Sleeping in our comfy bed next to my husband has been replaced by dozing in the chair next to her bed. Even if that were comfortable (and it’s NOT), it’s not particularly restful sleep and definitely not the coveted “restorative sleep” when it’s interrupted a dozen times or more with toileting needs, painful cries, bad dreams, and her shaking me awake to ask me if I’m okay. “You look so sick. I thought I better check on you.”

One year ago, Momma still knew I was her daughter. She knew my name and she knew Wayne’s as well. Now, she can sometimes come up with my name, but usually thinks I’m her mom or sister. Sadly, Momma no longer remembers Wayne’s name. She calls him “that guy” most of the time and thinks he is just a guy on the staff here.

Today Momma beckoned me into her room with a look of desperation and a ‘come-here’ wave of her hand. As I drew near she said in a whispered hiss, “Pssst! Can you get me out of this place?!”

Little does she know that she IS moving into a new home next week. I’m still not sure how (or if) I will tell her. I do know this. I’ve said it before and will say it again. God will give us the wisdom we need when we need it.