A sweet friend and aspiring blogger once asked me to guest write on her fledgling blog. I was happy to do so, as I was trying to get my own blogging endeavor off the ground and thought exposure to someone else’s audience might be helpful. As we all know, life doesn’t always follow our plans. God had other plans. My friend’s life filled up with the other good things God had planned for her life, and the blogging endeavor went by the wayside.
I almost deleted the article I wrote as a guest, because it remained unpublished in my draft folder for years. Before hitting “delete,” I re-read it and decided to hit “publish” before another year passes. It is my hope that this post will encourage another caregiver. I hope they find that no matter where life leads us, with God’s assistance, we can live by God’s grace and for His glory.
If someone asked, I would say I’m pretty average in most things in life. I haven’t quite managed to eat healthy consistently, but I believe it’s important to keep trying. I’ve led Bible studies before and, although I haven’t had a lot of people clamoring to attend those studies, I enjoy the challenge. I love to write, but I haven’t received any book offers yet. I enjoy biking, walking, and running (well, I call it running, but it’s probably more like plodding along). I also enjoy cooking, gardening, quilting, and going on hikes, as long as they’re not too long, difficult, or sweaty, and there aren’t too many mosquitoes to swat.
While I am grateful for those experiences and abilities, I think I have spent entirely too much of my life unhappy with who I am and what I can do. It has been a struggle to be content with what God has allowed me to be in life.
When I was in my 40’s, I imagined how retirement would be for me and my husband Wayne. I envisioned us downsizing our earthly belongings and selling our home so we could buy a cabin in Westfield, WI. We would spend the rest of our days on earth volunteering our time and resources serving the Lord at Camp Fairwood. In my mind’s eye, I pictured our future grandchildren spending fun-filled weeks with us each summer, splashing on the beach in our backyard, fishing with their Papa, and building blanket fort tents and tree-houses. My hubby would be fishing whenever he felt like it. I would be playing in the dirt in my flourishing garden and there would be intricately pieced quilts that I had fashioned hanging on our walls and dressing each bed.
Well, my hubby is retired, I’m leaving behind my 50’s this year, and we are not living my dream. Instead, God has led us to devote our time to taking care of my mother, who lives each and every day in the frightening world of Alzheimer’s. You can read about my days as a caregiver on my Barefoot Lily Lady blog (search key words ‘Alzheimer’s’ or ‘caregiver’), but suffice to say, most of my day is lived in the very exhausting world of full-time caregiving. Everything, I mean, EVERY single thing that I want to do in my personal life now revolves around fulfilling my desire to honor my mother by giving her the best care I possibly can until the Lord calls her home to heaven.
Though this is not the way I had pictured our retirement years being spent, nestled deep within this very difficult place in life lies the knowledge that God has given me a window of opportunity to grow in my relationship with Christ.
A little over a year ago (March of 2016), my husband Wayne and I moved my mom from the place in Milwaukee that she had called home for over 55 years to a 1-bedroom senior apartment about a half mile from us.
Momma managed mostly on her own, with us helping her out a little bit each day. We’d buy groceries for her, have supper with her each evening, manage her finances, pay her bills, and take her wherever she needed to go. This living arrangement worked well for about five months. That was apparently the relative calm before the storm.
By fall, Momma was becoming more confused, having much more difficulty sleeping at night, and making numerous frantic phone calls because she was hearing voices and seeing people (who weren’t there) in her apartment. So, I moved in with her.
While we had some help from family, friends and 10 hours of professional caregiving per week, during those eight months, most of the time it was just me hanging out with Momma within the confines of her apartment. I tried to keep busy, but the walls kind of closed in on me. I pulled a few books from my “read someday” pile and read them. I worked a lot of jigsaw puzzles, got pretty good at Sudoku, watched way too much TV, pinned a lot of stuff on Pinterest, and spent far too much time reading posts on Facebook.
One day my daughter made a casual comment about how much time I had on my hands in this present season of life. God used her observation to challenge me to spend more of that time in His Word. Like Martha in Luke chapter 10, I am busy about many things. Mostly good things. But oftentimes too busy to focus on the better things. I decided to pick up one of my many partially finished Bible study workbooks and begin seeking the “good part” that will “not be taken away.”
Momma’s physical and mental needs have changed once again. She now resides with us in our home in a retrofitted dining room turned bedroom. I now live within the relative comfort of my own home, sleeping in my own bed, rather than on her couch, yet still very much living within the confines of my home-based caregiving responsibilities.
Still not what I had imagined or expected, but now endeavoring to cultivate a Mary heart in my Martha world, by the grace of God and for His glory.
Barefoot Lily Lady 
I remember caring for my mother-in-law. While her situation was physical need, we did have freedom to be away for short periods of time. Yes, we had to give up family vacations and being away all day, but I did have my children around to help, too. My husband travelled a lot for business, so I had to make most of the day-to-day decisions with her doctors. That weighs on you, especially when you have a brother-in-law a distance away who would always second guess my decisions. I’m glad my husband didn’t.
I was happy to serve my mother-in-law (as well as my husband and his brother) this way. It wasn’t always easy, but God gave me the task for a reason.
After she went home to be with the Lord, I found out how many people prayed for me! What a blessing!
It took a toll on me, mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically (spiritually, to some extent), but God saw me through and I was happy to not only serve my mother-in-law, but to serve God in that capacity. My children were given an example (maybe they’ll have to do the same for me one day).
Others also saw the example and are now living that same scenario. They sometimes come to me with questions. I am able to pray for them in knowledge and to encourage them that God will give them everything they need to continue on. I also remind them that while God is seldom early, he is always on time. So whatever they need, they will get it to them in time.
I’m sure you feel the same way in caring for your mother. It was draining, but worthwhile!
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Your mother-in-law was blessed to have you caring for her and your children are blessed to have your Christ-like example. I understand how difficult it can be to have family members who question your motives and actions. For me, the flurry of accusations came after mom died–and continue to this day. How thankful we can be that we are able to rest in the peace of knowing that we followed the Lord’s leading in the opportunity we were given to be a blessing to our loved ones. Thank you for blessing me with your comment. Have a happy and joyous new year!
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I went on a journey a bit like this one. I wrote a book about it, called ‘Lost Down Memory Lane. Caring for Alzheimer’s.’ I get it. x
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