Honoring Your Parents: Nursing Home or Your Home?

Caring for my Momma in our home was a relatively easy decision, although the path toward making that decision was anything but as it took many twists and turns along the way. From the earliest days of traveling back and forth between Fitchburg and Milwaukee, to moving her closer to us, God has always been faithful in shedding light on the next step we need to take in our caregiving journey.

At first, we wanted to make an addition on our home for her – a first floor granny suite. Our local senior center’s social worker, along with our elder care law attorney, both agreed that this sort of building project was an appropriate use of her financial resources. Should we ever have to “spend down” her resources in order to satisfy Medicaid guidelines, they assured us that the expense would be allowable and justifiable. So, we did a little homework by getting an estimate for making an accessible one-bedroom plus a bath addition. To say we experienced “sticker shock” would be an understatement.

I was disappointed. Very disappointed. I cried…a lot.

IMG_2006Having nixed the expensive addition idea, we decided that keeping Momma in her nearby senior apartment under our close supervision was still the best option. With the assistance of family, an occasional friend, 11 hours of professional caregiving a week, and well-placed wi-fi cameras, we made it work. Then, about five months into this arrangement, a recurrent battle with a urinary tract infection resulted in hallucinations, alarming behavior, and plenty of evidence that Momma needed more care.

It seemed impossible to keep her at our house. So many questions and not enough answers. Where would she sleep? Our bedrooms were on the second floor.  What if she wanders in the middle of the night? A sunken-living room became a potential fall hazard. How would she bathe? We only had a small half-bath on the first floor; it would barely be walker-assisted navigable.

There were just too many obstacles, so I moved in with her to help with daily needs.

moms room
Our dining room turned bedroom

Well, after 8 months of that, Momma took an ambulance ride to a nearby hospital and life changed once again. As I stayed with her in her hospital room, painfully aware that she couldn’t go back to her apartment, I prayerfully turned the various options over in my heart and mind. My husband was doing the same thing. When we sat down to chat about it, we realized we were on the same page. We were going to make room for her in our home. We would make it work by turning our dining room into a bedroom for her. You can read more about that here.

As I continue to blog and share my journey in caring for my mother, I am learning that I am not alone in making difficult decisions related to caring for an aging parent. I have a number of friends who are caring for one or both parents. Some have decided that their loved one would receive better care in a retirement home, assisted living, or skilled nursing facility. I support them in that decision, knowing it was reached prayerfully and with great deliberation.

As a daughter seeking to provide compassionate and God-honoring care for my mother in my home, I found the biblical insight of a podcast I listened to today to be very helpful. The realization that I may need to make a decision in the future that would mean my mother would no longer be cared for in our home becomes more intense with each day that passes. I thought I’d share the link to Desiring God Ministry’s “Ask Pastor John” series on the subject of “Retirement Homes and Caring for Aging Parents.”  The information he shared confirmed in my heart and mind that I am doing the right thing for the right purposes and, should her needs change, I will not be dishonoring my mom by placing her in a facility where she will receive appropriate care.

I encourage you to click on the link above to access the podcast, but let me leave you, dear reader, with a tiny bit that was especially encouraging to me.

Are we ready to make sacrifices for our parents? Or are we resentful that they are becoming a burden? That’s the real test. All of this may or may not mean that the parents come to live with us or near us. There are innumerable variables that make one situation right for one family and another situation right for another.

Fidelity Viewpoint – Managing Cognitive Decline

This is a helpful reminder for those who are helping family members with cognitive challenges and for those of us who might start to struggle at some point in the future. I am thankful that my wife’s mother recognized that she needed help and then accepted help. Her financial “advisors” were not doing a good job and they were charging her for the work they were doing. We made changes together while she was still able to make decisions regarding her future. Now she is no longer able to do that. She was wise to act when she could and set in place the right legal documents with her attorney’s help.

Read this article for more helpful information:

Managing cognitive decline

Wisdom from the Lips of a Child

The grandkids had all gone home and I had completed my post-grandkid visit tidying up routine: making beds, putting art supplies away, cleaning fingerprints off the glass-top coffee table, sweeping up crumbs from under the table, and the like. Even though it is a lot of work, it was good to have four of my grandchildren keeping me company while my husband was away on a little trip helping our son get his new home’s interior repainted.
George being George

Sandwiched in between taking care of my sweet Momma, our day together was filled with coloring to our hearts’ content, painting with my oldest granddaughter, baking, building roads and castles with good old-fashioned blocks, vintage Lite Brite artistry, feeding marbles to toy dinosaurs, sorting through a jar of old buttons and playing “favorites,” and creating fun designs with Perler beads. And for the three grandsons…taking a bath in Grandma’s HUGE bathtub…with bubbles and dinosaurs, of course!

Grand-cleaner Violet

Even cleaning was fun when my granddaughter Violet pitched in to help me clean her Papa’s office. Grandson Charlie even earned a little pocket change by dodging mosquitoes to help me pick raspberries and blueberries.

Though my Momma looks forward to the visits of her great-grandkids, the change in the level of activity always brings a certain level of stress to her Alzheimer’s plagued mind. She worried about a lot of things while they were here. Everything from whether or not they should be outside playing, to wondering what dangers lurk behind the basement door (it’s a playroom for the children). When I had put the boys to bed, she wandered around the house looking out of the windows counting and wondering if everyone was inside yet. But, even with all the stress (exacerbated by her usual sundowning), it was good for her too with coloring projects, crafts, meal-time chatter, and conversations with her great-grands providing a temporary distraction from her own problems.
Artist Henry

It was also good for the great-grandchildren. In ways big and small, they contributed to caring for their great-grandmother; from speaking up so that GGma could hear them, to answering the same question five or more times (and not looking annoyed). Great-granddaughter Violet has developed a very keen ability to discern what her GGma needs or wants. On this visit, her great-grandma was in a circular worrisome thought pattern, fretting about what still might need to be accomplished on a to-do list she found on the kitchen table (it was actually MY to-do list). Violet brought out a photo album and placed it in front of her great-grandma, then sat next to her and began to help her page through the book. As GGma talked about the pages, Violet discreetly slipped the to-do list away. A more graceful (and thoughtful) act of redirection could not have been accomplished by someone two or three times Violet’s age.

Unfortunately, Momma’s battle with Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point we can no longer leave her alone (and I don’t have room for all 6 of us in our car – and, even if I did have room, Momma resists leaving the house). For some reason, even though we have fun together, I feel really bad when the grandkids come and we can’t “go” anywhere. But our oldest grandson set me straight when he candidly told me,
“Grandma, I love coming to your house so much. I love it more than all my toys and video games stacked on top of each other!”
My Charlie

My daughter assures me that stacked up against video games, this is a VERY high compliment.

Well, that heart-melting comment from my 8-year-old little love reminded me that, with a little bit of effort, I can still create some memory-making moments with my grandchildren while caring for my sweet mother. Of course root-beer floats for an after-supper treat and pancakes for breakfast didn’t hurt a bit in the ratings department.

A Smile from Dad

My 3-season porch is looking more like a porch than a moving company warehouse. Slowly but surely, the boxes are being emptied, things are finding their home, and order is being made of boxed chaos.

I’ve been spending time sorting through dozens of photo albums over the past few days. It’s been a trip down memory lane – complete with laughter, a few embarrassing moments, rushes of happy thoughts, a few tears and momentary sadness.

My sweet Momma spent countless hours at a little table in her basement putting the incredible number of photos my Dad took through the years into carefully labeled photo albums. Dad took LOTS of pictures. A CrAzY number of pictures. Every time you scratched your nose or stuffed something in your mouth (or so it seemed to me), he was there snapping a photo. But, he captured a LOT of family memories too.  Continue reading “A Smile from Dad”

A Gift for Momma

I know it has been quiet on the “Barefoot Lily Lady” blog. A surprise ambulance ride with Momma on April 30 brought about a whirlwind of activity and change. I will undoubtedly write about that in the future, but wanted to share the next big thing on our horizon.

We have been preparing a special Mother’s Day gift for my mother over the past few days at my house. Our dining room is being transformed into a special place for my sweet Momma. It will be her new bedroom starting this Tuesday.

For more than seven years now, I have been spending extra time with my mother, trying to help her navigate life with advancing Alzheimer’s. Up until last year, Momma was able to live in her home in Milwaukee, with me commuting back and forth at increasingly shorter intervals (and for lengthier stays) as the years and the wicked disease progressed. By late fall of 2015, it became apparent that it was time for her to move to Madison to be closer to me.

We moved Momma into a nearby senior apartment in March of 2016. It is a lovely 1-bedroom place that suited her needs just fine. We would drop in often, eat with her every evening, do her grocery shopping, and help her get wherever she needed to go. Because her mobility was tenuous, we decided to install WiFi cameras so we could keep an eye on her when we weren’t there, making sure she hadn’t fallen. Momma settled into her new place nicely; however, by September, the combination of her frantic phone calls and rapidly declining cognitive abilities, made it abundantly clear that a new change was necessary. I moved in with her full-time because it was no longer safe for her to live alone. With the help of family, paid caregivers, and a few friends, this worked well.

Until April 30th.

God has a special way of shedding light on the next step I need to take. This time it was an ambulance ride and subsequent hospitalization. God has used Mom’s recent hospitalization and short-term nursing home stay to help us make another important decision. God was making it clear that now is the time to move her in with us.

Moving day cannot come fast enough for my mother, who is in short-term rehabilitation in a nursing home following a brief hospital stay. I visit her twice a day and always find her with her bags packed and ready to go. She pleads under her breath, “Get me out of here!”

Moving an aging parent in with you is not always an option, and may not always even be the most loving thing to do. We recognize not every one makes that choice when it comes time for their parent to receive extra care, but, Wayne and I both believe it is the right decision for my mom’s well-being at this time. I am very grateful for a supportive husband who allows me to follow my heart in providing home-based care for my mom.

We are in this together. I suspect this is somewhere tucked in the “for better or for worse” part of our marriage vows.

Together we have discovered there is an amazing amount of stuff you need when preparing to live with a loved one experiencing Alzheimer’s. For us, it means, two baby gates, a door alarm, a special lock for the basement door, a hospital bed, special bedding, grab bars in the bathroom, a video baby monitor and WiFi camera, to name just a few.

We’ve made some other important discoveries too.

Together we have discovered what an incredible family we have – those related by blood, and those related by heart. Our daughter, in particular, has taken the bull by the horns and worked tirelessly to get her grandmother’s apartment cleared out. Our friends have also found numerous ways to show they care.

Together we have discovered what an awesome, prayer answering God we have. He has provided everything we need in so many gracious, only-God-can-do-this ways. Here’s my Facebook post from May 11 with just one example:

moms room
Dining room to bedroom transformation in progress

 

God’s answer to prayer. Almost paid nearly $1,000 for a refurbished hospital bed. But God connected me with a sweet elderly lady whose husband was admitted to a nursing home. She had just sold their home and needed to get rid of this 1-year-old bed. The same bed I was going to buy…but, He answered our prayers and put a blessing on top…the bed was only $50.

And, together, we will give my mother an awesome Mother’s Day gift. A loving place to call her home, God willing, until her next move to heaven.

Art Therapy

It was therapy. It was love. Inspiration. Repose. Edification. Heart-to-heart sharing.

Today my hubby took a turn hanging out with Momma so that I could get away for a few hours to take my second Chinese watercolor lesson. Truth be told, it was much more than a painting lesson. Much, much more.  Continue reading “Art Therapy”