A godly perspective on friends and wealth (written by my friend and husband, Wayne).
Friends are not Facebook Visitors Proverbs 19:4 (ESV) “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend.” I have a friend that predates Facebook. He is not just a visitor to my FB page. In fact, he cannot even use a phone anymore due to his current limitations. However, when […]
via Wednesday’s Proverb – Friends are not Facebook Visitors — Know Your Flocks & Herds
One of the biggest challenges of every caregiver is keeping their loved one occupied, feeling productive and useful. I would like to share three things we have discovered my mother enjoys.
Mom’s knees aren’t real stable, so standing for any length of time is difficult. Though I could do the job faster myself, it helps her feel productive if I allow her to dry dishes for us. We set out a towel at the kitchen table, then put the dish rack on top. She has fun sorting, matching and stacking the dishes and flatware as she dries. Mom is very thorough – even drying the dish drainer when she is finished.
Someday I would love to make a quilt. My Pinterest board, Quilty Crafty Ideas, attests to the fact that I’m particularly drawn to scrappy-looking quilts. One day I lugged my sewing machine upstairs from my basement sewing room to the kitchen table so I could keep an eye on Momma and enjoy sewing for a few hours. As I sewed scrappy squares together in pairs for a future project, I discovered quite by accident that my mom enjoyed playing with my fabric squares. I gave her a small pair of scissors and let her snip the threads which connected the pairs. She was happy and content for the entire afternoon.
I have a nice little button collection. My grandchildren love to have me dump them out on the living room floor and we can while away an hour or more playing sorting games and choosing favorites. It dawned on me that mom might enjoy this tactile sensory activity too. I dumped them on a big tea-towel on the kitchen table and mom spent about 3 hours playing with them. I gave her a bunch of little dishes and she sorted buttons into them in color families. Sometimes she would look for buttons she particularly liked and then line them up all in a row. Occasionally she would see one that brought back a memory, such as the black buttons that she thought used to be on one of her coats. Button sorting has become a regular activity.
I’d love to read about your activity ideas too. Please do share your favorite activity in the comment section below.
Caregivers, be encouraged to try something new and keep pressing on!
Sometimes my Momma gets up during the middle of the night and wanders around in her room – typical “sundowning” activity. From my comfy bed, I can keep an eye on her via camera on the monitor I keep on the nightstand. I’ll sleepily watch as she opens and closes drawers, switches the contents of one drawer to another, fiddles with knobs, looks through books and photo albums, and arranges and rearranges things in her purse. Once she is satisfied all is right in her world, she’ll generally go back to bed on her own and I can go back to sleep knowing she is safe. That having been said, if I see her walker on the left side instead of the right side of her bed, I’ll sneak down after she has drifted off to sleep and quietly switch it (and her shoes) over to the opposite side of the bed.
The familiar idiom, “waking up on the wrong side of the bed” usually refers to someone having a bad day right from the start. In Momma’s world of Alzheimer’s, it is entirely possible to very literally “wake up on the wrong side of the bed.” It’s interesting how a seemingly teeny difference of throwing her legs over the opposite side of the bed when she awakens will cause her day to begin awry.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed means she sees a different view and doesn’t know where she is at all, and will often cry out, “Where on EARTH am I?”
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed means she won’t know where her shoes are. She’ll fuss and fret and say repeatedly, “Where are my shoes? Who took my shoes?”
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed means she will have great difficulty finding her way to the bathroom situated just a few steps away from her bed. Instead of being down the little hallway right in front of her, she’ll have to walk those extra steps around the end of her bed, causing her extra discomfort and pain in her already painful feet and knees, which definitely increases her risk of falling.
Moving her walker to the ‘right side’ of the bed is a very small kindness I can do to make her daily journey with Alzheimer’s a little more familiar, navigable, and comforting.
What small acts of kindness make your loved one’s world a little easier? Please do share in the comments section.
Keeping loved ones with dementia disorders such as Alzheimer’s engaged during the hours when you’d like them to be awake is a key to combating the dreaded, but all too common disorder called Sundowner’s Syndrome. Sleep is vital, not only for our loved one, but for those of us who provide their care.
My mother never seemed to develop a traditional hobby. Following her retirement from nursing, she tried her hand at cross-stitch and dabbled with making earrings, but “crafting” just wasn’t her thing. Our family wasn’t much for sitting around the kitchen table playing cards, working puzzles, or coloring either.
My Mom took over gardening duties when Dad was in his final battle with cancer. I’d say she was a natural at gardening, enjoying spending time “scootching around” on the ground tending her plants and actually enJOYing pulling weeds. Nearly every inch of dirt seemed to burst forth with floral splendor. When we found it necessary to move her out of her home and into a senior apartment, we brought along her favorite blue pots so she could enjoy tending a few of her favorite flowers on her little patio.
But, her favorite past-time by far was serving God by serving people. One of the hardest things about her journey with Alzheimer’s was watching her having to give up her various ministries and activities. One by one, as her driving became limited, so did her opportunities to serve. As her knees and arthritic hands gave out on her, the desire to garden fell away. When her memory faded, so did her ability to have meaningful relationships with her friends. Faded memories were slowly replaced by compulsive behaviors common to those with dementia. Pacing back and forth. Rummaging through drawers and closets. Sorting through her purse. It soon became evident that we needed to introduce something enjoyable so that we could redirect her attention from these compulsive behaviors to something encouraging.
We ordered a few coloring books; at first she didn’t have much of an interest. So I would sit at the dining table and color in her books. Sooner or later, out of curiosity, she would join me. Before long, she was coloring on her own. Now, when children come to visit, she loves to have them color with her and will oftentimes take on the role of “coloring teacher” as she instructs her students on the finer points of choosing the appropriate colors, staying within the lines, and shading and outlining.
The gardener in her loves flowers and butterflies, so many of her coloring books feature a plenitude of these these creatures. Because Momma is a woman of faith, we have found that coloring books with Bible verses are especially meaningful to her. [For a link to one of her favorites, click here.]
Wayne bought her this lovely set of Thornton’s colored pencils in a zippered binder-type case. It was a game-changer! For some reason, she is partial to greens and yellows when coloring, but she loves sorting the many pencils in this case. If you should stop by for a visit, you can also be sure that she will take great delight in offering its colors within and an invitation to sit down and color with her.
This Tuesday’s Caregiving Tip: To calm, encourage and distract the anxious Alzheimer’s mind, try coloring.
After lunch today Momma asked me to trim her fingernails. I had been refused several times lately when it had been my suggestion. Today it was hers, so I dropped what I was doing and took care of that request.
As she happily admired her shorter nails, I asked if I could please wash her hair.
“Again? You want to wash it again,” she mildly retorted.
Now that her hair is growing longer, she enjoys twirling the ends around her fingertips, adding a little 60’s flip to her hairdo. So I countered, “Yes, it has been awhile and you’re losing your pretty curls.”
It worked. A few minutes later she was humming a contented tune while I was blow drying her pretty silver locks.
Today I’m thankful that this little thing made her happy for this little moment in time.
My hubby has been gone for ten days on a short-term mission trip in Dehra Dun, India. Ten days. I know, in the greater scheme of things, that’s not very long. If all goes well with travel plans, he should be pulling in the driveway in time for lunch today. His absence has made me keenly aware of all the little things he does for me that make it possible for me to care for my mom in our home. I am blessed and grateful.
More than ever, in the time that he has been away, I have also discovered how very blessed I am with friends and family. They’ve helped me clean my house, mow my lawn, and brought me dinner and companionship. These beautiful people have spent a little time with my mom so I could go to the gym, grocery shop, run a few errands, work in my garden, celebrate my birthday with my family, or take an unhurried bath. After a Facebook post about my sleepless nights, a couple of friends carved time out of their busy lives to take care of mom for a few hours, allowing me time to take a nap. One sweet friend even spent the night so I would be assured of at least one night of uninterrupted sleep.
We caregivers are made of some pretty strong stuff. But, sometimes, some of what appears to be “strength” is just a facade – a false wall of competence that gives others the impression that we’ve got it all together and that we don’t need any help. That facade is a form of pride which causes us to struggle to accept help when it is offered.
I have been hesitant to hit the “publish” button on this blog post, because I realize many of my fellow caregivers struggle with finding people to support them and give them a little respite. My heart goes out to you. As I pull my thoughts together into words to write, I am praying that God will bring into your life people who can help.
I think it is safe to say that most caregivers have heard someone say, “How can I help?” Or perhaps it sounded more like, “If there’s ever anything I can do to help, just give me a call.” This little missive is primarily written for you. I must admit, I have heard myself reply on far too many occasions, “No, thanks. I’m okay. But, thanks for offering.”
Here’s my tip – If someone offers to help, never turn them away. Don’t put off saying “yes” for a time when you really need it. You really need it now.
I would love to hear how some of you have been helped as a caregiver, or given help as a friend. Please share your ideas and thoughts in the comments below.
“Aaaarrrgh! She keeps asking the same question over and over again. I’m going to go crazy! How can I handle this?”
Caregivers everywhere know full well that repeated questions are a common symptom of dementia and a frustrating, nerve-wracking, mind-numbing daily reality.
Dr. Natali Edmonds, PsyD, APBB of Dementia Careblazers has some wonderfully helpful YouTube videos which address many helpful topics for those she calls “Careblazers” – those caring for a loved one with dementia disorders. Dr. Natali addresses the problem of repeated questions here, but let me add a few tips from my personal experience related to dealing with my mother’s repeated questions.
One of the best ways to handle the problem is to patiently answer the question and remind ourselves that it is the disease causing the loved one to repeatedly ask the question. I must admit, the everyday battle eats away at my patience and drives me bonkers, with my mother’s hearing loss adding another level of crazy. My husband and I are so accustomed to having to use our loud voices to communicate with her that we sometimes don’t realize when we’re shouting at someone who may be visiting us in our home.
One of the smartest communication tools we have purchased is a simple lap-size white board and a few Expo markers. This little investment has brought great returns in helping answer the questions looping around in Momma’s brain. Yesterday’s question of the day was, “Where am I?” After verbally answering her question a few times, I just pulled out her whiteboard and wrote down, “I live with my daughter Cindie and her husband Wayne. This is our home.” Momma read the answer aloud on several occasions and seemed calmed by having her answer.
One of mom’s most often asked questions is: “What am I doing today?” I often use the whiteboard to inform her as to what is happening on a given day, writing this down for her in “to-do list” fashion. For example, if I plan to wash her hair, I’ll write it down as an item on her check-list. Also on the list are tasks she still enjoys doing, like folding laundry and drying dishes. Writing those tasks down on the whiteboard gives her the satisfaction of being able to cross off the task once it is accomplished.
Momma loves it when guests come to visit, but is visibly agitated when she can’t remember their names, repeatedly asking, “What is your name?” Writing names on the whiteboard helps her relax a bit (name tags help too). If children are part of the mix, we have their parents prepare them ahead of the visit for the fact that Mrs. Boyles will ask them the same questions over and over again. Kids always seem to “get it” and are very patient and kind, talking loudly to her and flashing their big comforting smiles at her each time they answer one of her many questions.
The road to communication is a two-way street. Mom will sometimes use the whiteboard to ask a question or make an observation. Other times she’ll write down her thoughts, giving me a little window into her concerns. Many times she will write down something she is thankful for, such as the picture you see below. In this picture she is writing a little note of thanks for someone whose visit she had enjoyed.
Well, that’s my tip or suggestion for this week. I’d love to hear a few of your great communication tips! Please feel free to share them in the comments below.
Spring keeps teasing us here in Wisconsin, drawing us out of our houses for walks in the sunshine or a little time in the garden, and has us washing the salt off of our cars and sweeping out the garage. Then, BAM! Winter is back!
To think that just a week or so ago I was working out in the garden without my jacket and sometimes without my shoes Continue reading “Winter Drags On”
Momma’s eyes light up when Kathryn shows up each Friday evening. As Kathryn hoists her burgeoning backpack off of her shoulders and settles in at the kitchen table next to my mother, I look over my shoulder as my husband and I leave for our weekly Friday evening of respite and sense that I will not be missed at all. These two friends have already started in on their fun.
I’m pretty sure that our mom’s caregiver Kathryn is a real-life Mary Poppins. Much like Mary’s carpet bag filled with surprises, that backpack of Kathryn’s is always stuffed with hand-selected items which will help my mother “find the element of fun” for the next five and one-half hours. Together they eat supper, then work puzzles, color in their coloring books, have fun with hidden picture books, make a craft together, and a host of other things. Kathryn will read a storybook with mom, bring her a book filled with beautiful butterflies and flowers to page through, or even read a Bible passage together.
I’m so very grateful that early on in our caregiving journey with mom we decided it would be money well spent to hire a caregiver to help us out on a regular basis (actually, my very wise husband insisted). Mom is by no means wealthy, but Social Security and a modest pension gave her the resources to pay for a little help, so we chose to have someone come in twice a week for a few hours. When she was still living in her own home in Milwaukee (82 miles away from me), we chose Rent A Daughter to help us fill the caregiving gaps when family couldn’t be there to check in on her. Once we moved her to Fitchburg, we chose Home Instead to be our caregiving ally.
Some might argue that it is too expensive to hire someone. From my way of thinking, a few hundred dollars a month is less expensive than having my own health suffer because I never get a break. Preventative medicine, if you will. And it’s definitely less expensive than the cost of assisted living or a nursing home.
Whenever I have the opportunity to encourage someone who is heavily invested in caring for a loved one, I always encourage them to find a trusted substitute caregiver. Even if finances to pay for outside help aren’t an option, I encourage caregivers to reach out to friends (a retired senior), family (for us, our daughter, eldest granddaughter, or sister), a good neighbor…anyone who can give a little break from the physical, mental and emotional rigors of daily caregiving. It might not be for five hours, but even an hour or two away can make a difference.
Another sweet caregiver named Kathi comes on Sunday mornings, allowing us to have six hours to be able to teach our respective Sunday School classes, attend our worship service (my brother comes too), and enjoy lunch together with my brother. Mom doesn’t usually feel much like being social in the morning hours, but spunky Kathi’s positive can-do spirit also manages to keep my mother content and socially engaged during our time away. When we return, we usually find them seated at the kitchen table watching the birds at the birdfeeders and coloring together. And as an added bonus, Kathi always makes sure my dishes are done! Gotta love that!
The blessing of finding TWO caregivers who bond so well with my mother is most definitely Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
My heart was recently challenged by reading a book from the Heroes of Faith series – the biography of Watchman Nee by Bob Laurent. I was so moved and inspired by this man’s faith, his godly wisdom, and courage in the midst of persecution and trials of life greater than I will ever experience. So challenged was I by his life and teaching that I found myself yearning to learn more from him. I reserved two books written by Nee through my local library: “The Normal Christian Life” and “The Character of God’s Workman,” and am currently reading the later.
I take a book with me when I go to the gym each morning, having purposed in my heart to use this time to exercise my body and feed my heart, mind and soul too. I have come to treasure this precious time…an hour on an exercise bike is over before I know it. As I pedaled and read today, something in chapter 3 made me think of my dear mother. In this chapter, Nee speaks on 1 Peter 4:1, regarding our Lord’s attitude toward suffering and its admonition for Christians to have the same attitude and mind as Christ in our various earthly encounters with suffering. Nee notes that many Christians who encounter trials in life find themselves side-lined, withdrawing from serving Christ. Nee challenges the Christian reader by saying:
“No one who serves the Lord may stay home during rain and go forth only after the sun comes out. If you have the mind to suffer, then you will work on in spite of privation, difficulty, pain, sickness, or even approaching death.”
I immediately thought of my mom when I read that bit today, causing me to reflect on some of the ways she handled the trials in life.
When she was faced with having to take early retirement from her nursing job due to budget cuts the county was facing, my mom rejoiced. Now she could serve the Lord more in her local church.
My parents’ ministry to their family also carried on – cancer, headaches, bad knees and all. Where most retired couples have empty bedrooms, my parents had a steady stream of children and grandchildren occupying those rooms. It didn’t matter if they were out of a job, or cash-poor students, there was a bed with clean sheets, and a fridge full of favorite foods.
Each time my Dad faced a cancer diagnosis (five different cancers in his lifetime), mom was by his side for his surgeries and treatments. She could have used that as a perfectly plausible reason to back out of her ministries, but she kept on serving in the church, working her ministries around helping him. She also encouraged my dad to persevere in his church attendance and ministry as long as he was able. Only the final debilitating scourge of sarcoma took my dad away from his volunteering as a handyman at his church, and as a driver and treasurer for Christian League for the Handicapped.
When my dad died, my dear mother grieved, but she didn’t wallow in her grief and discontinue her ministries. Quite the contrary! She and a friend who was also a recent widow set their minds and hearts toward forming a ministry to other widows and widowers.
As I look back over her numerous notepads and journals that I packed when she made her move from Milwaukee, I can see that she was aware her memory was failing long before it became noticeable to anyone else. If I read between the lines, I can see there was a certain amount of fear that came with the awareness of memory loss and where it might lead. Knowing that her memory was fading didn’t stop her from serving in her many ministries. Even when the disease reared its ugly head enough for her friends to take notice, she never said, “How can I possibly take on the Lord’s work when I can’t even care for myself?”
Though my mother certainly had a “mind to suffer” in whatever hard things life threw her way, there did come a time when Alzheimer’s dealt a life-altering blow. The day came when driving to church was no longer an option. Another day came when planning anything was an insurmountable obstacle. Then, a time when remembering names was an impossibility. Everything about life was changing and becoming very hard. Only then did her ministries begin to fall away – not because she wanted them to, but because it was time.
Even now, in this time of life “approaching death,” I see in my sweet mother’s life yet another “grace of Alzheimer’s” – the grace of Christ-like suffering.
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The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary. - Isaiah 50:4
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