Lipstick, Eyebrows and Senior Discounts

My friend Shannon Berry Popkin’s Facebook post today had me in stitches. She is an author and had her eyebrows “embellished” in preparation for a taping session (I’m a bit challenged in the eyebrow department, as you can see in this picture of me and my sweet Momma). Well, her story reminded me of a story I wrote about 6 years ago. Time does pass so quickly. Now, I’m 6 years closer to flying away…and perhaps a full set of eyebrows.

I hope I wasn’t staring – I certainly did not intend to be rude.  But, even though I was on a hurried mission and just passing through the mall’s grocery store to get where I was going, I couldn’t help but pause to notice one particular lady. Her time-worn face returned my smile with a red-lipsticked grin of her own. Vestiges of her beauty still lingered on her face of 75 or so years. Her fresh from the beauty parlor hair was wrapped in a chiffon headscarf, geriatric but stylish sensible heels adorned her feet, and she wore a smart gray woolen suit accessorized by a gold necklace and matching brooch. What made me smile (and giggle inwardly) was the wide-eyed look she had tried to create by drawing thick reddish-brown  eyebrows in a place on the forehead about an inch and a half above where they once grew on her face.

[I inwardly muse, what makes women do that when they get old? Now that I sport a pair of bifocals, I realize the challenges associated with plucking my eyebrows or wearing eye makeup. With or without my bifocals, it’s tricky. I theorize that when you upgrade to trifocals, there’s no telling where your makeup (or your eyebrows) will end up.]

Back to the sweet elderly lady…

Having paid for her groceries, this darling lady was now gingerly walking toward me on the arm of her more elderly than herself husband. With his tri-pod cane in hand, this dapper-looking gent sported his own sense of style in a pair of black wing-tips, baggy brown corduroy slacks, a tweed jacket, and one of those beret-type hats. No two ways about it…they were cute and they made me smile.

I had apparently stumbled upon the senior discount day at this particular grocery store (which explained the multitude of oddly parked cars in the parking lot).  I stopped for a minute to take it all in. In every checkout lane I spied more little old ladies with eyebrows drawn on in pencil, and silver- haired (and barely-haired) men clad in sport coats of an era gone by. The visual scene was also punctuated by the scent of too much perfume competing with too much aftershave and the sound of a nearby walker scootch-scootching over the bumpy tile floors.

I felt young and spry compared to my present company. The truth of the matter, though, is that I have  only recently begun filling in my own thinning eyebrows with eyebrow pencil. [A note to my daughter: Please! Hide my eyebrow pencil if I ever start shaving off my eyebrows and drawing them closer to my receding hairline than my eyes! Oh, and don’t forget your promise to clean my glasses and pluck my chin hairs.]

The psalmist recorded in God’s Word that man lives about 70 years…80 if we’re healthy and strong; even with modern medicine, not much has changed about that number.

“The length of our days is seventy years–or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.” Psalm 90:10 (NIV)

In all probability, the reality is that I have now lived more of my life than I have left.  “Tomorrow” I will be the little old lady at the grocery store. The choice is mine as to how I use my remaining years before I “fly away.”

Legal Matters Matter

Wayne and I recently checked one more thing off of Momma’s to-do list mentioned in the following story posted on Facebook in 2016. We met with our local funeral director and pre-paid Mom’s funeral. It’s nice to have that one out of the way. There are so many financial planning and legal matters to attend to when it comes to caring for a loved one who can no longer care for themselves. I hope by sharing this information, light is shed on someone else’s journey.

Facebook journal entry – February 4, 2016

As far back as I can remember, Momma was always a list maker; life just rolled better once her thoughts and plans were written down on paper. I know the feeling. I enjoy the physical act of checking things off of my to-do lists too. Some may think me crazy, but, when I accomplish an unexpected task, I add the job to my to-do list just so I can experience the euphoric mini-rush of being able to check it off as “DONE!”
Two summers ago, Momma’s memory loss was beginning to advance. I had been noticing changes since 2010, but Mom had been able to disguise her forgetfulness and few people knew she was struggling. In the summer of 2014, she was still having more good memory days than bad, but her memory loss was making its ugly presence known – and others were noticing the changes too. Her friends at church would patiently listen to her tell the same story several times in a conversation or ask the same question repeatedly.
That summer Wayne and I began to make more frequent trips to see Mom. While Wayne would help her with household handyman projects and matters related to finances, I would work with Mom puttering in her garden or working indoors with her on various decluttering projects.
As we spent more time with Mom, I believe that God helped us see that stress – real or perceived – adversely affected Momma’s memory. I began spending more time at Mom’s house helping her tackle the paperwork that was threatening to overwhelm her. The bed in my old bedroom was hard to find beneath the sea of junk mail, bank statements, file folders, binders and clipboards. Scattered throughout this paper jungle were various legal pads, notebooks and miscellaneous pads of papers where mom was obviously trying to jot down tasks on her to-do lists. Mom had boxes and boxes of files, but didn’t have a system for filing that was working for her. I started taking home a box at a time and, with Wayne’s help, weeded out the stuff she didn’t need to keep, condensed the duplicate files, and then created a much smaller A-Z file system for her. Our son Matt got involved in this project too, helping create a more streamlined household filing system for her.
That summer, Wayne and I chose to spend time reading her various lists and couldn’t help but notice one theme showing up quite often: Momma wanted to take care of end-of-life legal and financial matters. We decided that this needed to be a stress-relieving priority, given the relative clarity of thought she was having now versus the unknown path her thought process might take in the future.
Gathering up her legal documents and financial statements, Wayne and I started to wade through and organize them making our own lists of things that needed to be updated, questions that needed to be asked, and people we needed to meet. Then, with mom’s blessing, our first stop was to meet with Mom’s lawyer. Now that Dad had gone to his heavenly home, Mom wanted to make sure that everything was updated. We made an appointment and were so glad we did. We worked with Mom’s lawyer to update her will and, while we were at it, updated both her financial and healthcare power of attorney (POA) legal documents (Power of Attorney for Healthcare and Durable Power of Attorney). This step alone came in handy for many of the tasks we would want to accomplish over the next few months.
Wayne’s review of Mom’s retirement accounts caused him to raise his eyebrows. The funds were being managed by two different advisors; one doing a respectable job, the other – not so much. Numerous unreasonable fees were eating away at any gains her accounts were making. Together with Mom, we decided to move one of her two accounts into a Fidelity account and allow Wayne to oversee and manage them. With her Durable Power of Attorney paperwork in hand, we were able to handle these financial decisions and changes on mom’s behalf. Receiving all of the investment related documents in the mail was very confusing for Mom, so we changed the mailing address to our own. Wayne then condenses the information into a single page summary document listing her current balances in her various financial and investment accounts.
The next stop on our “Momma’s to-do-list journey” was to take her to the cemetery where Dad is buried. Several years ago, Mom and Dad had purchased two plots from a friend who had a few plots she had inherited that she wanted to sell. Based upon the paperwork I had in hand and a few phone calls I had made, I was confident that everything was in order. Mom just wanted to double-check that everything was pre-paid and in order for her own future interment. We stopped at the cemetery’s office to speak with the attendant and were assured that all of the necessary prepayment was in order.
We then drove to the section where Dad was buried and set out to find Dad’s grave marker. As we slowly moved through row upon row of tombstones and markers, I was reminded that there is more to getting ready for the inevitableness of death than taking care of financial matters. I whispered a prayer of thanksgiving that both of my parents had taken care of the most important thing. Well, actually, Christ had taken care of that on the cross for them…Mom and Dad just accepted His gift of salvation by faith.
We found the marker. As Momma and I stood arm in arm reading the grave marker together, it seemed odd seeing her name on the marker too. Glancing at Momma to see how she was doing, I saw a peaceful smile.
Over lunch following our visit to the cemetery, we talked with Mom about what her wishes were concerning her future burial plans. An incredibly tough discussion, but I am quite sure her concerns over the future were visibly replaced by a gentle peace of mind.
At the end of our summer of checking many things off mom’s to-do lists, I created a special binder to house all of the important documents related to end-of-life matters. This binder includes:
  • Power of attorney documents
  • Original copy of her will (along with a copy)
  • Cemetery and burial plot titles and documentation
  • Mom’s wishes related to her funeral service – including the hymns and scriptures she would like to include
  • A list of people mom would like me to notify concerning her home-going
  • A list of legal tasks I will need to complete.

Admittedly, this reference binder is more for me, than for mom. When God chooses to call my mother home to heaven, my job of honoring her final wishes will be much easier. On this side of Glory, we will enjoy our time with mom and rejoice in knowing our summer of checking things off her to-do lists brought her great peace of mind.

We all need an Advocate

An advocate is someone who can help you speak up so that your needs are heard, your rights are understood and your problems are resolved.

Momma and I took an ambulance ride to the hospital on April 30. Momma was in a lot of pain. A LOT of pain. She had a fever and she could not support her weight on her legs. In retrospect, there were a few signs I should have paid closer attention to, but the acute pain came on suddenly. She went from being able to use her walker, to needing assistance to get out of bed, to not being able to get out of her chair (or “off the throne”) in the course of just a few hours.

I must confess that there was a twinge of relief when I was told she was going to be admitted. It meant that someone else was going to help me care for her during this medical crisis. It meant that someone was going to help me make decisions. Continue reading “We all need an Advocate”

Big Changes

Transforming a tree stump into a succulent garden

I had a little fun playing in the dirt today. It felt good to feel the warm earth between my toes. I had to dodge a few raindrops, but was able to work on a special project. I planted a little succulent garden in the top of a stump left behind when our ash tree was cut down. I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous day knowing that tomorrow will bring some big changes at my house.

Tomorrow Momma comes home to live with us. She’ll move into the dining room turned bedroom and call it “home” for the foreseeable future. Our just-the-two-of-us house will become home to three of us. Life as we know it will change significantly.

Momma’s roommate in the nursing home shared, “I really like your Momma, and I especially like you. But, I’m glad your mom is going home because I will be able to get some sleep again. How are you going to do it? Your mom stays up all night!”

I told Angie that I’m hoping that being busy and engaged during the day will help her rest better at night. I’m hoping that having the security of family will help her rest more securely. But, I know my sleep will not be the same. From now on, we’ll be keeping overnight tabs on mom via a video baby monitor. Her noises and movements will undoubtedly change my sleep habits.

It’s not going to be easy providing home care. It will inconvenience me. It will probably make me tired. It will stretch me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. I will not have enough strength and resources to go around. I see that already.

But, I know God has lead me to do this for my mother. He will provide everything I need.

Everything.

A Gift for Momma

I know it has been quiet on the “Barefoot Lily Lady” blog. A surprise ambulance ride with Momma on April 30 brought about a whirlwind of activity and change. I will undoubtedly write about that in the future, but wanted to share the next big thing on our horizon.

We have been preparing a special Mother’s Day gift for my mother over the past few days at my house. Our dining room is being transformed into a special place for my sweet Momma. It will be her new bedroom starting this Tuesday.

For more than seven years now, I have been spending extra time with my mother, trying to help her navigate life with advancing Alzheimer’s. Up until last year, Momma was able to live in her home in Milwaukee, with me commuting back and forth at increasingly shorter intervals (and for lengthier stays) as the years and the wicked disease progressed. By late fall of 2015, it became apparent that it was time for her to move to Madison to be closer to me.

We moved Momma into a nearby senior apartment in March of 2016. It is a lovely 1-bedroom place that suited her needs just fine. We would drop in often, eat with her every evening, do her grocery shopping, and help her get wherever she needed to go. Because her mobility was tenuous, we decided to install WiFi cameras so we could keep an eye on her when we weren’t there, making sure she hadn’t fallen. Momma settled into her new place nicely; however, by September, the combination of her frantic phone calls and rapidly declining cognitive abilities, made it abundantly clear that a new change was necessary. I moved in with her full-time because it was no longer safe for her to live alone. With the help of family, paid caregivers, and a few friends, this worked well.

Until April 30th.

God has a special way of shedding light on the next step I need to take. This time it was an ambulance ride and subsequent hospitalization. God has used Mom’s recent hospitalization and short-term nursing home stay to help us make another important decision. God was making it clear that now is the time to move her in with us.

Moving day cannot come fast enough for my mother, who is in short-term rehabilitation in a nursing home following a brief hospital stay. I visit her twice a day and always find her with her bags packed and ready to go. She pleads under her breath, “Get me out of here!”

Moving an aging parent in with you is not always an option, and may not always even be the most loving thing to do. We recognize not every one makes that choice when it comes time for their parent to receive extra care, but, Wayne and I both believe it is the right decision for my mom’s well-being at this time. I am very grateful for a supportive husband who allows me to follow my heart in providing home-based care for my mom.

We are in this together. I suspect this is somewhere tucked in the “for better or for worse” part of our marriage vows.

Together we have discovered there is an amazing amount of stuff you need when preparing to live with a loved one experiencing Alzheimer’s. For us, it means, two baby gates, a door alarm, a special lock for the basement door, a hospital bed, special bedding, grab bars in the bathroom, a video baby monitor and WiFi camera, to name just a few.

We’ve made some other important discoveries too.

Together we have discovered what an incredible family we have – those related by blood, and those related by heart. Our daughter, in particular, has taken the bull by the horns and worked tirelessly to get her grandmother’s apartment cleared out. Our friends have also found numerous ways to show they care.

Together we have discovered what an awesome, prayer answering God we have. He has provided everything we need in so many gracious, only-God-can-do-this ways. Here’s my Facebook post from May 11 with just one example:

moms room
Dining room to bedroom transformation in progress

 

God’s answer to prayer. Almost paid nearly $1,000 for a refurbished hospital bed. But God connected me with a sweet elderly lady whose husband was admitted to a nursing home. She had just sold their home and needed to get rid of this 1-year-old bed. The same bed I was going to buy…but, He answered our prayers and put a blessing on top…the bed was only $50.

And, together, we will give my mother an awesome Mother’s Day gift. A loving place to call her home, God willing, until her next move to heaven.

Still Me – by Natalie Ducey

I could have written this, but didn’t. Natalie’s beautiful poem describes exactly what is on my heart right now as I care for my sweet mother.

💕 Still Me 💕 This was written with the deepest respect for those living with Alzheimer’s and dementia, and their dear loved ones who know the journey well. I like to believe that although memories become fragmented and misplaced, the Soul never forgets. This is my hope and prayer.

stillme2

via Still Me ~ This is my hope and prayer. — Natalie Ducey

Kerfuffle

 

kerfuffle

A kerfuffle is some kind of commotion, controversy, or fuss. If you read about a scandal in a newspaper, it could be described as a kerfuffle.

Kerfuffle is a humorous-sounding word for a mostly non-humorous situation: some kind of disturbance, scandal or mess. However, a kerfuffle usually isn’t 100% serious. People talking loudly in public could be making a kerfuffle. If a politician says something embarrassing by accident, it could cause a kerfuffle. Often, people use this word when they think people are making too big a deal of something, as in “What’s the kerfuffle all about?”

Kerfuffle.

This word just keeps floating around in my brain. The reason is not entirely apparent, but I just can’t stop landing on that word today. All day. Constantly.

I guess it’s a sign that I should write about it.

There does seem to be a whole lot of kerfuffle going on in the news today. The mere mention of the name “President Trump” can cause a kerfuffle between the best of friends. But that’s not the kind of conflict I’m thinking about at the moment.

In the world of an Alzheimer’s patient, repetitive thoughts are commonplace commotion of the already fragile mind. Life can be like a stuck record. My sweet Momma will get a thought in her head, then it will just keep circling in her mind, prompting the same question. To her, each time the thought comes around, it’s a totally new thought, keeping her mind in a constant state of commotion – a kerfuffle, if you will.

Sometimes it’s a worrisome thought about money. She’ll wake up in the middle of the night and wonder how on earth she is going to pay for her apartment. She does not remember that her bills are on “autopay” and she has social security, a pension, and a steady stream of investment income, so she’ll get up and search through her purse, her drawers, and closets looking for her money. Even with our constant reassurance, the question is never truly answered.

Sometimes Mom’s kerfuffle is in the form of a fear. Fear of water or the shower continues to be a problem. Even though she informs me that her head itches and she needs to wash her hair, there is no way I’ll get her in the shower without force. It’s just not worth the kerfuffle or (here’s another fun word) brouhaha.

My mind experiences kerfuffle when it’s time to sleep. My husband falls asleep within a minute of his head hitting the pillow, but my mind just refuses to find the “off” switch. My brain is too busy for sleep. I’ll be thinking about my to-do list, something that happened that day with Mom, something I should have said but didn’t, or shouldn’t have said but did, someone I need to talk to, what I’m going to have for breakfast, an idea to try…sometimes all of the above, and then some.

Sleep is one thing I’ve discovered caregivers really need…and really lack.

One nighttime kerfuffle fighter I have turned to in recent weeks is to meditate on a Bible passage as I’m settling down at night. I’ll read a passage I’d like to consider, then open my Bible app to that passage, turn on the narrator’s voice, turn off the light, then lay my head on my pillow and listen. God’s Word is a wonderful thing to ponder. A few chapters in and I’m in a restful sleep.

Sleep is good stuff. Even better is sleep nestled in God’s Word.