Every morning, as I sit bleary-eyed in front of the bathroom mirror getting ready for my day, my kind-hearted husband brings me my first cup of coffee. That little gesture is a sweet reminder that Wayne loves, honors, and cherishes me as his wife—49 years today, in fact. How grateful I am for this man’s faithful love and care for me.
July 3, 1976
Another sip of coffee as I glance in the mirror, then I pick up my hairbrush and begin smoothing the tangles away. I smile as I think about how I was 15 years old when I met Wayne. He was a sailor stationed at a naval air station in Hawaii. We had been writing to one another for a few months but met for the first time in person at church when he was home on leave.
One of our first dates
As I got to know him better in those few weeks, I found myself wanting to do things that pleased him—like growing my pageboy hairstyle longer because Wayne said he liked long hair.
Me at 15 —going on 16
He still likes my long hair, so not much has changed about my hairstyle since the 70’s, except that the gray hairs now outnumber the brunette hairs. I have tried to cover those gray hairs in years past but now consider them a badge of honor. As I look at my reflection in the mirror today, those gray hairs framing my time-worn face remind me that God has blessed me.
The years of marriage that lie ahead are surely fewer than the ones behind, but we have every confidence they will continue to be blessed. Even if our golden years together are sprinkled with hardship and painful loss, we have assurance of His faithfulness. The Lord promises, “Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you” (Isaiah 46:4).
Linking up with Kate and friends at Five Minute Friday. This week’s FMF writing prompt is: FACE. For instructions on how to join the link-up, click here.
Some of my readers know I have been following a ketogenic way of eating for the better part of a year. Our grandgirl Mia chose Hawaii as her graduation trip destination. Having been there once before, I knew eating keto might be tricky. Voices around me advised me to forget about the “keto thing” while I’m on vacation. But I knew it wasn’t just about gaining a few pounds, it was about setting myself up for a setback in how well I was feeling.
I decided I would just try my best to make good choices.
This appetizer of roasted Brussels sprouts and Polynesian sausage was my choice at Kalapaki Joe’s in Lihue. It was delicious. I’m pretty sure the marinade wasn’t totally on my plan, so I left as much saucinesses behind on my plate as I could. Very filling and an overall good choice, given my options.
Gardens are sometimes one of life’s best teachers. Flower Roberts noticed an especially poignant lesson. I’d love to introduce you to her blog by sharing her little morning lesson with you.
Coffee in hand, I have been sitting in my favorite chair taking a break from today’s gardening endeavors. The knees of my blue jeans are wet and a bit muddied because I should have made an extra trip to the garage to retrieve my knee cushion (but didn’t). My cushion is an old seat cushion from my brother’s wheelchair and has served me well for several years now. It’s nice and cushy for my aging knees, and big enough to provide a dry place for me to sit when the grass is wet with morning dew. [I am making a mental note to grab it when I go back outside in a few minutes.]
I chose the east side of my house as my focus for today’s weeding and cleanup endeavors. In years past, it has been the side of the house which few people see. However, this year we took down two unhealthy spruce trees in our front yard, giving passersby an unobstructed view of a flowerbed which had previously been fairly well hidden. I have decided to put a little extra effort into this garden space and see if I can make something special out of it–something which my neighbors can enjoy.
But now, at this moment, it’s overgrown with lamium (a noxious weed disguised as a plant), and many weeds and over-wintered, water-soaked hosta leaves. As I pull my hand rake through the tangled bed of yuck, the green shoots of this year’s floral promise are slowly uncovered.
There, under last season’s detritus, are the green tips of an emerging hosta, alongside the peony my dad dug for me from his garden a few decades ago.
As I cleared away last year’s fallen leaves, I found this lovely patch of pulmonaria bedazzled with pink and blue little bells. Even when the flowering finishes, I just love the fuzzy, bespeckled leaves. [Take a gander here if you’d like more photos and info about the pros and cons of this lovely plant.]
April weather is absolutely crazy in Wisconsin. Spring? Summer? Winter? It can’t make up its mind! One day I’m working barefoot in my garden–the next day snow squalls are springing up here and there, or hail is pelting the house. Our crazy weather reminds me that life is unpredictably subject to change without advance notice. In this earthly body, I have this moment and this breath–and have no guarantee of the next. This thought encourages me to make every moment and every breath that I can a beautiful one and to make sure my heart is ready for that first breath of heaven.
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. ~ 2 Cor. 5:1 (ESV)
Being a night-owl, it’s not often that I am up and at ’em early enough in the day to witness the beauty of a sunrise. If I do happen to awaken at that uncharacteristically early hour, I’m blessed to see the glow of early morning light streaming in our east-facing bedroom window. I have every intention of getting up and taking an early morning walk, but sleep usually wins out over my good intentions.
My hubby is always up at that hour, early morning person that he is. Once his eyes open from sleep, he can get up and start his day. In the quiet of the hours before I awaken, he enjoys a cup of coffee or tea while he reads his Bible, prays, and works on his computer on various writing projects and teaching responsibilities.
One morning, not so long ago, I awakened to the early morning sunlight streaming in my window. I could hear Wayne in the kitchen making a cup of coffee and washing the dishes left on the countertop the night before. I can usually fall asleep again when I awaken that early, but not on that morning, so I got up and headed downstairs to make my own cup of coffee. As I passed our gathering room, I noticed a photo that seemed to have a spotlight shining on it.
It was a favorite portrait of the two of us from a few years ago. I probably see it several times a day in passing, but on this morning, illuminated by the sunrise’s lovely rays, I stopped to appreciate it and pray a prayer of thanksgiving for one of God’s grace gifts in my life: my loving husband, Wayne.
This post was written for Five Minute Friday, a group of encouraging writers, with this week’s word: SUNRISE. Our weekly goal is to write for just five minutes, with no real editing or proofing. If you’d like to read other writers’ sunrise posts, click HERE.
It’s the blue-skied, breezy sort of day that lures you outside to just sit a spell and enjoy summer’s final days. I’m sitting in a comfy chair on my backyard deck, enjoying the sights and sounds around me while I sip on a cup of coffee from a favorite mug and spend a little time reading my Bible.
In addition to all the usual weed pulling, deadheading, and watering, we’ve kept pretty busy this week. My hubby has been busy building birdhouses for our yard. He’s been using the lumber salvaged from our former deck in his creations. The birds don’t really care one little tweet if their new homes are decorated, but I have been enjoying getting a little artsy with painting and embellishing them. I’ve got a spot all picked out for the latest creation…a nice spot between two trees in the backyard. I’ll post a pic once it’s in place.
The latest creation needs to find a spot in our yard. The little brass bit around the entry is salvaged from a kitchen faucet we recently upgraded.
Yesterday my hubby and I went to a new eye doctor to have long overdue eye exams. Of course, COVID-19 precautions meant they are being extra careful, so we parked in a shady spot and checked-in for our appointments via phone from our car, then were instructed to wait in our car until someone came out to the car to ask the screening questions.
Waiting in the car for your eye appointment isn’t so bad. Especially if your waiting room looks like this…
Hubby’s eyes had only a minimal change since his appointment four years ago. I had been noticing changes in my distance vision since my last appointment three years ago. Things weren’t quite as crisp and sharp as they used to be. Sure enough, my eyesight had indeed changed significantly, so now I wait for new lenses for my glasses.
The sweet chair garden by my 3-season porch is filling in nicely with a little stand of phlox. You might recall that a few of my granddaughters painted this chair for me last summer. (You can read a little about this chair here too.)
Bees are happy I decided to plant a few zinnia seeds in two of our raised beds this year. I enjoy cutting the zinnias and love creating little bouquets to take to my friends at BeeHive Assisted Living and Memory Care.
I hope you enjoyed the mini six photo tour of my garden this week. Most Saturdays during gardening season I join up with blogging gardeners around the world for a virtual garden tour. Six things, in the garden, on a Saturday. Could be anything – a flower, a tree or bush, a favorite gardening tool recommendation, a gardening dilema, a cool bug or critter…anything at all. Our little show ‘n tell is hosted by The Propagator, who shares what’s going on in his amazing garden, then invites others to share as well. If you’d like to take a peek at the gardens too, just click on The Propagator’s site and give his weekly post a read, then scroll on down to the comments section where you’ll find loads of links to explore. I know he’d love to have you join in on the fun too.
My dear readers, I think it’s about time to meet up for another cup of coffee and a chat. I thought we could talk about a question I am often asked.
What signs did you see that made you suspect that your mom was experiencing memory loss?
One place to start when gathering information about Alzheimer’s is the aptly named Alzheimer’s Association. You can click here for their Top 10 list of signs, but here’s my list of signs we noticed along the way:
Repeating stories multiple times at the dinner table.
Piles of stuff all over the house – very unusual since she was normally very tidy. The guest room bed was covered with several inches of mail and miscellaneous paperwork.
Finding everyday objects in odd places: her cane propped up against the fridge on her countertop; her purse in the fridge; keys under her pillow; toothpaste and toothbrush on top of her dresser; odd stuff in her purse…like banana peels wrapped like mummies.
Mummy-wrapped banana peel from Momma’s purse
Asking the same question over and over again.
A very messy calendar with lots of ‘White Out’ covering myriad mistakes (and her complaining that someone else was writing on her calendar).
Mom had always been a list-maker and would usually keep her lists in an organized notebook. Now, her lists were everywhere! You could find her notes to self on the backs of envelopes and snatches of paper; in multiple notesbooks or legal pads; in the margins of her calendar, etc.
Missed hair appointments. Her weekly hair appointment had been her habit for decades – it wasn’t like her to miss one.
Everyone loses their keys from time to time – believe me, I know! But the key hunt became a daily routine (sometimes several times a day) because she would hide them where they’d be safe.
Our solution to the hidden keys problem was to attach a “tile” which would allow us to use an app on our phones to find them. (Click here for info)
Ordering multiple sets of checkbooks; we counted five separate sets of checks for one account.
Hiding her checkbooks.
Unbalanced checkbooks and a dining room table littered with bank statements with notes of confusion written on each one.
Over-purchasing other items too: toilet paper, ballpoint pens, Kleenex boxes, dishwasher soap, spiral bound notebooks, and legal pads.
Repeating stories. Oh, I think I already said that.
Phone calls from neighbors reporting unusual behavior, including a concern over momma being outside ALL day in pretty much the same spot. And another with concerns about her driving.
A diminished desire to attend church or get together with her friends.
Hidden stashes of food – especially cookies and chips. We would also find partially eaten food here and there around the house. It made me nervous to think she might pick up spoiled food and begin eating it again.
Multiple cans of Coke begun, but not finished.
Momma can’t remember she already has a can of soda open.
Unflushed toilets. Mom had always been VERY particular about remembering to flush toilets.
Inordinate amounts of junk mail.
She somehow got suckered into two vehicle protection plans and two sewer and waterline protection plans. Unfortunately, she never used them because she didn’t realize she had them.
She kept renewing her magazines, even if she had YEARS left on the subscriptions.
Losing large sums of cash. She once took $1,500 out of the bank for a vacation I was taking her on, but lost the money somewhere between the bank and home. We never did find that money, and her credit cards were in the same wallet.
Hiding valuables and claiming they were stolen.
Growing frustration with using a telephone or a once-familiar remote control.
When dining in a restaurant, she was no longer able to calculate a tip. Mom had always been an adventurous eater who was always game for trying a new restaurant. Whenever I would visit, she began going to the same restaurant and ordering the same thing each time. Or, without opening the menu, she would say, “I’ll have what she is having.”
Eating an entire carton of ice-cream in one sitting (we started buying it in pints and half-pints).
Most of these changes were subtle, but they began to add up. Somewhere in the middle of all of these changes, I knew in my heart it was time for me to make sure I invited myself to my mother’s next doctor’s appointment. I knew that he and I were going to have to become allies in my mom’s future care, so I stopped by her physician’s office and dropped off a copy of my power of attorney for healthcare paperwork so that they could be scanned into her record. I also wrote a letter to her primary care physician outlining my concerns. Now we could begin the process of me being in the loop related to care discussions and decisions. It was a hard step, but a necessary one.
Well, it looks like my cup of coffee is on empty and I did all the talking. Sorry about that. If I may ask, if someone you love has Alzheimer’s, what were some of the signs YOU noticed in your loved one?
Today I am imagining that we are enjoying a cup of coffee (or your favorite beverage) together. In my imaginary coffee klatch, you are asking me a few really good questions. Let me share with you how I would probably answer those questions.
“What things did you like best about having your momma in assisted living memory care?”
I was blessed to be able to sleep at night (all night).
Momma had more than one pair of eyes keeping an eye on her when she struggled with sundowning and couldn’t seem to stay in bed all night.
Momma was safer. Yes, she would fall, but she would fall at home too. At BeeHive she had more than one person available to help her get up again and a whole team of people assessing whether or not she was hurt.
I slept in a peaceful and quiet house. There was no longer the need to listen to a video monitor’s static hissing at my bedside as I drifted off into never-long-enough sleep.
There were no more bleary-eyed trips to her room in the middle of the night to help with toileting, clean up accidents, change clothing or bedding, or try to reassure her that she was safe from the imaginary people she would see lurking in the shadows at night.
Just a few of mom’s incredible caregivers
“What did you miss the most about being a caregiver once your mom was at BeeHive?”
I would tell you that even though I no longer had the responsibility of caring for her 24/7, I was still her caregiver. While some caregiving loved ones seemed able to separate themselves for a few days at a time, I found myself visiting my mom daily, providing care in the following ways:
Sitting with her at lunch to better ensure she would eat something without wandering away from the table.
Being visibly present for a few hours of her day.
Being her advocate. I communicated on her behalf with the staff at BeeHive, the nurses and doctors, and the hospice workers.
I simply cared for her by making sure she had everything she needed to be comfortable.
Momma had some very sweet friendships at BeeHive.
“If you had to do it over again, what would you do differently in caring for your mom?”
I’d probably tell you, “Not much.” Each step of the journey with my mom was prayerfully taken. Decisions I needed to make were made with the help of God and those who love me best.
“What do you want your children to do if they someday have to deal with you having a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s too?”
I would tell my children …
Re-read my blog. I wrote it for you. You might find some helpful insights there.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be specific about what you need.
I want you to feel comfortable making the decision to entrust my care to a place like BeeHive sooner, rather than later. Even if I protest at that time, it will be okay. It will be good for us.
Even if you’re not there every day, please don’t forget to visit me.
But most of all – even if I’m unable to remember who you are, I love you very much and always will.
I’m a familiar face at Oregon Manor Skilled Nursing Facility in Oregon, WI. Normally, I’m in and out of there several times a week, transporting my brother Brad to or from somewhere or another, or just stopping by to bring him a smile and a cup of coffee (and a donut, if he’s lucky).
Things are a bit different now. Now I can’t go in at all.
On Monday, I rang the doorbell to the skilled nursing facility and then waited on their front porch. Tom, the facility’s administrator answered. I told him I was there to pick up Brad for an appointment at the VA. Tom went to get Brad from his room and then delivered Brad and the necessary paperwork with his medical information to me on the front porch. Tom apologized for being unable to let me in, but I understood; it was for the safety of everyone, myself included.
Even purchasing a cup of coffee for my brother was entirely different, somewhat strange experience.
I usually stop at the Kwik Trip just down the road from where Brad lives and pop in to buy him a cup of coffee to drink on our way to the hospital. Brad likes their coffee, so it’s a treat for him. Today I couldn’t pour him a cup of coffee and fix it the way he liked it because they had suspended all of their self-serve food and beverages. No worries, though. Thankfully, an employee, donned in gloves, poured Brad’s Kona dark into the extra-large cup, then added half & half until I said “when” – he likes a LOT of half & half, so “when” took awhile.
Our route takes us through the UW-Madison campus, normally teaming with student activity. Not this time. No students on bikes. No pedestrian traffic. Businesses that cater to student customers seemed forlorn and bereft of customers – some looked closed. Definitely an easier commute, but sad at the same time.
We needed to answer more than the usual screening questions at the VA’s parking garage, which seemed cavernously empty. In stark contrast to my usual squeal of delight when I actually am able to find a handicap parking spot (with my brother giving me the amused side-eye), we were both in wide-eyed wonder that we had our pick of ALL the prime handicap spots today. In fact, ANY spot would have been large enough to maneuver my brother in and out of the car with his wheelchair. It was like a ghost-town.
The procedures for gaining access to the hospital changed too, so as to minimize the risk of infection. There was a designated entrance with closer scrutiny and screening, and explicit directions to use an entirely different designated exit to minimize contact. There was no wait for an elevator (although there was one man on the elevator who protested that we got on it with him); it’s really hard to practice social distancing when you’re in an elevator and pushing a wheelchair.
Checking into the podiatry clinic was different too. A line of blue tape on the carpeting masked off a safe distance from the clinic’s reception desk. Brad and I had the pick of ALL the spots in the empty waiting room in the Lighthouse Clinic’s waiting room, where we normally have to find a spot within ear-shot in a nearby hallway. Very few patients are being seen, but they wanted my brother to come in because he is at great risk for bone infection and they are concerned about the possibility of him losing his big toe. I’d show you a picture, but trust me, you don’t want to see it.
Working with a skeleton crew in their clinic, the doctor himself came out to call Brad back to an examination room. Normally dressed in standard issue scrubs, today he was wearing a mask and had a hospital gown over his scrubs; the gown wasn’t the usual disposable gown made of blue paper, rather the cloth type one wears if they are an in-patient in the hospital — you know, the ones that tie in the back and leave your backside exposed. He carefully examined Brad’s toe, emphasizing how important it was that we get this problem under control in order to avoid amputation. Brad routinely refuses care in his nursing home, so I’m hoping that this frank discussion put a little more cooperation in him. We’ll see.
In no time, we were headed back to Oregon Manor. Arriving at the same porch where I picked Brad up, we rang the doorbell and reversed the procedure. I thanked Tom and Brad’s nurse for all they’re doing to keep residents safe and healthy, assured them of my prayers for wisdom and protection, then headed home.
It’s a beautiful spring day and it was late-morning, so I decided to make McKee Farms Park my destination on my way home. The luscious fresh air is still a little nippy, so I buttoned up my jean jacket and headed to the paved walking path. It’s my custom to pray as I walk. Today I thanked God for the people who, at risk of their own health and welfare, take care of my brother and my mother. Walking, praying, and enjoying the beauty, I couldn’t help but notice how social distancing is evident even here at the park with people keeping the recommended 6 feet of distance between themselves. The playground was eerily quiet, with no children enjoying it, even though they are all out of school.
But you know what? I noticed something else at the park too – something nice. Families. They weren’t hanging out at the playground with the kids running around and parents seated on benches looking at their cell phones. Moms, dads and kids were out walking or riding their bikes together. They were talking, smiling and laughing together. One dad was out there teaching his little one how to ride a bike. Another dad was helping his kids fly kites while mom pulled a little picnic blanket and snack out of her backpack for them. One family was taking a walk ahead of me on the path, and the kids were having fun practicing what we’ve come to know as ‘social distancing’ as they held onto the ends of 6′ ropes.
As I continued my little prayer walk, I thanked God for showing me another hidden grace of this difficult time when we’re being advised to shelter at home and practice social distancing: families truly enjoying this slower pace of life together.
I would love to hear from you! Please share in the comment section below one of the “hidden graces” you have noticed during this crazy time of responding to the COVID-19 crisis.
One recent thread on a Facebook group for dementia caregivers discussed the topic of how to respond to people who say “I wish I could help.” Most have good intentions, but no concrete offers of help. Others are just making polite conversation and really have no intention of helping. One tongue in cheek caregiver response was, “I’m going to start a list to hand them.”
We all laughed.
One longtime caregiver’s contribution to the post was, “I think we should all make our own list to have ready whenever we hear that offer.” Before long, we had created a rather long list. Some of our responses were a bit of a tease, like the caregiver who said, “If you want to bring me a gift, bring Kleenex! My loved one goes through two boxes a day!” We all laughed because an obsession with Kleenex and toilet paper seems to be prevalent in the world of memory loss.
Let me share a few more of the ideas culled from our group effort:
Instead of “let me know if you need anything,” please just show up on my front porch with a good cup of coffee.
Another caregiver added her twist on the impromptu coffee date idea: “Yes, show up on my front porch with a cup of your favorite coffee. Then sit down with my loved one and tell me to get lost for awhile while you drink your cup of coffee.”
Talk to me. Listen to me. I don’t really have someone I can carry on a conversation with anymore.
If you see a need that you can meet, just do it. It will make my day.
One woman’s husband asks her each morning, “What can I do for you TODAY that will make your life easier?”
Send me a card once in awhile (I have a special friend who does this every single week).
Share with me one of your special memories of my loved one. In doing so, you will help me focus on the good and remind me that their life mattered.
Tell me that what I’m doing matters.
One item on the list was my favorite: Ask God to show you how you can help. I promise, He will.
Barefoot Lily Lady 